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Post by Jayda on Dec 8, 2009 23:58:04 GMT -5
Okay. I'm going to just try and sum this up pretty quickly so I don't bore you all to tears In August (RIGHT after I turned sixteen - a week and a half maybe) I met this guy. We'll call him Levi. He's sixteen (17 on December 23rd), strong in the church, has a testimony, saving for his mission, home schooled like I am, we have all the same interests, etc. It seemed so perfect. Among the perfection was an amazing thing that happened - he helped me move on from another guy that wasn't good for me. The other guy (we'll call him Jason) I'd liked for seven years. He was great until he went to his dad's house this past summer where he got into drinking, partying, smoking, and ended up having sex (the latter I've only heard from a friend I trust - I'm not positive it happened, but I wouldn't be surprised). Levi came along at the PERFECT time for me, to help me move on. Anyway, two of my best friends (we'll call them Kate and Nessa) both liked him. They'd met him at EFY (Nessa met him either one or two EFY's before Kate and Kate had met him this past summer) and they introduced me to him. I started to like him instantly. So, I asked him to be my date to my sweet sixteen, that was all fun and dandy. I had a great time. Then three days after my sweet sixteen I heard from Nessa's, Kate's, Levi's and my friend (Mandy) that Levi had said he liked Kate more. This was devastating to me, obviously, because it had seemed so perfect and I'd been so sure he liked me. Well, a couple of weeks later I asked him about it and he said that he DID like me just as much as Kate and he didn't know if he could ever really choose. He cleared up a lot of things for me and made everything better. The next Sunday he came over for General Conference. We had fun, flirted, that sort of thing. Then when I walked him out to his car he kissed me. Just a quick kiss (perfect) and then he left. I called him when he got home and asked what it had meant and he told me that he'd chosen. Three weekends later I went to his house and trunk-or-treat for a date. We held hands multiple times and by the end he kissed me again. I'd kept everything between us a secret from Kate, Nessa, and Mandy because he wanted to try and soften the blow for the two that liked him and Mandy at this point couldn't be trusted with important things. So I asked him and he said I could tell them and that I could call him my boyfriend. I told Mandy and Nessa at Stake Conference the next day. Mandy and Nessa reacted well - both happy for me. Nessa had started to move on. I asked them to MENTION it to Kate so that maybe she'd call me up so I could explain it to her. They told her things I didn't necessarily say and stuff she didn't need to know, so she got really mad and upset. Levi tried to help her and let her know what was happening and tried to tie up any "loose ends" that there may have been. Two days later he then decided that he wasn't committed to me and that he wanted to date us both. This was very hurtful and difficult for me to take. I could see many problems arising with this proposed idea. Kate and I would begin to battle once more for his attention, that sort of thing. I fasted and prayed for a month to get an answer and a month later, almost exactly, I got one. I broke it off with him after a month of being so emotionally in pain and so confused and hurt. Now, after explaining all of that (sorry it took so long!) this is what I need help with: How do I move on? How do I get on with my life and not worry that I messed something great up, despite the fact that I feel much better then I did that entire month? How do I stay friends with both of them and only that with Levi? How do I feel okay with this and in the end have no regrets and just move along? Advice would be fantastic I know that no one can have an absolute answer, but advice always gets me through things! Thanks!
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Post by Erik Slack on Dec 9, 2009 0:26:34 GMT -5
Jayda said: "How do I move on? How do I get on with my life and not worry that I messed something great up, despite the fact that I feel much better then I did that entire month? How do I stay friends with both of them and only that with Levi? How do I feel okay with this and in the end have no regrets and just move along?
Advice would be fantastic I know that no one can have an absolute answer, but advice always gets me through things!" I know I already chipped in about this Jayda, so I won't say much more than this: check out Jenni's signature underneath her avatar pic. I think that quote applies a lot to your situation. Anyway, I think the girls will be able to offer much better advice than me, so I'll stay out of it. Now I'll go back to reading that story of your's!
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Post by hockeydude on Dec 9, 2009 0:27:31 GMT -5
I've had a couple of situations like this actually. I've only been in one actual relationship but I've been close enough to this enough times where I have an idea.
You have to put things in perspective. You may have messed up a relationship, I personally think you called it right, but even if you did is it that drastic? The next step up from a relationship is marriage, and I don't think you were heading or wanting to head that way anyway. So don't worry yourself over it.
Now, friendship. If he's as nice a guy as you say, he should have no problems staying friends. I've turned a couple of girls down and the last thing I want them to do is feel like they're not important to me. So as long as you're willing, I don't think you'll have problems being friends. If you start feeling that attraction and so does he, well, go on a date. Go on a couple of dates. If I've learned anything, just don't do anything that strains your emotions, like you said yours were during that month. Not worth your time, been there.
There are more fish in the sea that you'll see at different times of the day. Don't feel like this guy is the only Mr. Perfect you'll run into. But don't also feel like you can't stay close as a friend, closer even if things happen.
By the way nice to meet you, I'm Eric.
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Post by Erik Slack on Dec 9, 2009 0:30:51 GMT -5
And in case you were wondering, the answer is yes; being handy with good advice, charm, and good looks does come with the name.
J/k! ;D
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 1:43:47 GMT -5
Awww Eric always does great with this advice ^_^ Lol Erik such modesty. Jayda this is a tricky situation.This is,I feel,one of the good reasons the church advises not to date until 16 and then GROUP dating.Because of all the hurt and unnecessary distractions.A lot of people get this confused.Dating is simply going out with friends and having a good time.Like one would normally do. Now about this boy.Levi.Obviously,no offense meant so please don't take any,this guy isn't as great as you think.first of all if he was having a tough time deciding he shouldn't have put you in the situation,nor should he have decided to date both of you.It's common sense. But what's been done has been done.Talk to him about how you would still like to be friends but no more.And explain to your friend how you've been feeling.And how you want to be friends.Moving on also has absence to consider.It's good to get away from him and get back into the way life was before him.Focus on other things and get yourself involved.It will all take time but it will get better.Promise
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 9:15:33 GMT -5
Erik - thanks very much for the advice Eric - This is true. But apparently, to him, we weren't even boyfriend and girlfriend, so I would see the next step as being boyfriend and girlfriend. But I definitely see what you mean. Thanks for the advice! Its nice to hear a guys perspective on the situation And lovely to meet you too! Sayari's other half - This is true. Dating should be that. But ever since I was a little girl, and especially now that I can and I'm allowed, I want a boyfriend. Dating multiple people just doesn't sit well with me, and it doesn't help that I don't know guys worth dating, anyway xD No offense taken. You're telling me what most have said. I agree, it is total common sense, but apparently he didn't think things through. I've done all as you've suggested and tried to start moving along. It is still hard, but hopefully it will just take some time I forgot to add in my first post that after I told him I wouldn't date him, I did start to feel a bit better. Its just so hard for me to stick with it, considering how much I love the guy. Not in love - but loved him. I love all of my friends, and of course my love for him was kind of different, but that isn't the point. He was the first guy that I trusted so much (due to some things that have happened in the past, I don't trust guys with most things, but specifically physical contact) and I can openly admit that I love him and it not feel weird... I just feel kind of like he wasted my time and took advantage of that trust, you know? Anyway, thanks again for the great advice!
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 9:42:22 GMT -5
I understand what you mean. I'm glad. ^_^ To tell you the truth,I'm moving on myself not the easiest thing in the world but it's a part of life.It WILL take time.As much as we wish it was poof! I'm over him it's not.Especially as you say you trusted him so much.I totally get what you're saying.Hey,16 year old guys are still just that,guys.And just because of who they seem,doesn't mean that you can completely trust them.But I get it,cause I trusted 'mine' just as much.Trust is really hard to regain. But hey I hope that it all gets better for you. ^_^
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 9:54:20 GMT -5
Thanks lots, Sayari's other half! Its nice for someone to understand ^_^
Yeah, they are just guys. Mandy tried pointing that out to me when Kate and I were in a bit of a tight situation before Kate found out what had happened between him and me... I should've listened to her.
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 10:24:31 GMT -5
You're very welcome Oh don't I know those words...but we live and learn.We make our own mistakes.So we won't do it again.
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 10:53:23 GMT -5
This is true. I just wish I didn't have to go through all of that to figure this whole thing out xD But clearly for some reason I needed to. My perspective through this was that, even if its bad, Heavenly Father will never give me more then I can handle. Also, clearly these things need to happen for a reason. Whether it will benefit me now or in the future, whether its because I need to help a friend out, or help my future daughter or son out with a similar situation, it will all be worth it. God sets things up so we can benefit from things in the future. I find it so cool how He does that!
I'm jsut trying to stay positive. At this point, that's all I can really do, anyway.
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 12:02:49 GMT -5
Yeah you hit the nail on the head.Sometimes the only way we'll learn is by making a mistake.You can't be protected forever.But even though things seem tough now they'll be worth it.As you said things need to happen for a reason.
You're right.And being positive is the best thing you can do.Remember this is how we grow.When all this is done you'll wonder how you could've gotten into the mess in the first place.
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 12:17:28 GMT -5
The last thing you said was extremely profound. I didn't even think of that, in all honesty! It makes lots of sense and definitely is true!
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 12:37:17 GMT -5
^_^ I try to think of experiences as something I'll laugh at when I'm grey and old!Which is probably true even if I can't laugh at them now lol
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 13:10:52 GMT -5
That is most likely true! I imagine that when I'm old I'll be telling my grandchildren about it and laughing at how silly I was Its like that song by Orianthe called Bad News. The lead into the chorus says "Someday I'm gonna laugh it all off until I cry. Yeah, some way I'm gonna get on with my life." <--- true!
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 9, 2009 13:14:19 GMT -5
That's right Because by then we'll be wrinkly and wise lol
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Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2009 18:26:21 GMT -5
Ahahaha. Totally true
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Post by hockeydude on Dec 11, 2009 0:22:37 GMT -5
Just curious on this one Jayda. You seem pretty sociable so my question is, would this have been your first relationship? I've been in a relationship myself and kind of know what it's like, but looking back on some of the decisions I made, it's like I was drunk. They weren't bad decisions, like bad as in crossing the standards, but they were dumb. x10. I mean some of the time sacrifices and stuff that I made are almost embarassing to think of right now. So if you do go for this guy or say another guy , just don't be like me and make sacrifices for it to work. You're probably not going to meet your husband at the high school age. It'll seem worth it at the time but you'll look back like me and say," Oh my word, what a waste of time." Honestly, even though I think I'd be ready now to give a relationship a try again, I enjoy just being friends with girls. There's no stress or committment or anything. One of my best friends right now is a girl we'll call Anne, who I was words away from being in a relationship with at one point. Now she's like a sister or a best friend to me, and I like it that way so much better. We hang out casually all the time. Same with a lot of girls I've come across. So, that's just my two cents. Haha I apologize for a very long and looking back pointless post, but maybe you'll take something from it.
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Post by Sayari's other half on Dec 11, 2009 8:57:19 GMT -5
Eric,your posts are never pointless! ^_^
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Post by Jayda on Dec 11, 2009 10:55:12 GMT -5
Just curious on this one Jayda. You seem pretty sociable so my question is, would this have been your first relationship? I've been in a relationship myself and kind of know what it's like, but looking back on some of the decisions I made, it's like I was drunk. They weren't bad decisions, like bad as in crossing the standards, but they were dumb. x10. I mean some of the time sacrifices and stuff that I made are almost embarassing to think of right now. So if you do go for this guy or say another guy , just don't be like me and make sacrifices for it to work. You're probably not going to meet your husband at the high school age. It'll seem worth it at the time but you'll look back like me and say," Oh my word, what a waste of time." Honestly, even though I think I'd be ready now to give a relationship a try again, I enjoy just being friends with girls. There's no stress or committment or anything. One of my best friends right now is a girl we'll call Anne, who I was words away from being in a relationship with at one point. Now she's like a sister or a best friend to me, and I like it that way so much better. We hang out casually all the time. Same with a lot of girls I've come across. So, that's just my two cents. Haha I apologize for a very long and looking back pointless post, but maybe you'll take something from it. It wasn't pointless Anyway, considering I just turned sixteen in August, yes, this would've been my first relationship. Obviously I don't even think you can consider it a relationship at this point, because he wasn't fully committed as I was and didn't consider himself my boyfriend. I know what you mean. Even though I haven't been in relationships, I've done the same thing for guys I like. I guess in a sense you could call it desperate (mostly because they always ended up liking another girl while I liked them and I always found out because they trust me) where I would try and move things around just to be with them for as long as I could. At this point, I'd take a relationship nice and slow. Levi just made my trust issues even worse xD And I doubt I'd give anything up for a guy, right now. Thought I really do want to be in a relationship, it doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon. Anyway, thanks very much for the post!
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Post by Erik Slack on Dec 11, 2009 11:35:30 GMT -5
Just curious on this one Jayda. You seem pretty sociable so my question is, would this have been your first relationship? I've been in a relationship myself and kind of know what it's like, but looking back on some of the decisions I made, it's like I was drunk. They weren't bad decisions, like bad as in crossing the standards, but they were dumb. x10. I mean some of the time sacrifices and stuff that I made are almost embarassing to think of right now. So if you do go for this guy or say another guy , just don't be like me and make sacrifices for it to work. You're probably not going to meet your husband at the high school age. It'll seem worth it at the time but you'll look back like me and say," Oh my word, what a waste of time." Honestly, even though I think I'd be ready now to give a relationship a try again, I enjoy just being friends with girls. There's no stress or committment or anything. One of my best friends right now is a girl we'll call Anne, who I was words away from being in a relationship with at one point. Now she's like a sister or a best friend to me, and I like it that way so much better. We hang out casually all the time. Same with a lot of girls I've come across. So, that's just my two cents. Haha I apologize for a very long and looking back pointless post, but maybe you'll take something from it. There ya go again, Eric, astounding us all with you wisdom.
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Dec 11, 2009 17:46:47 GMT -5
Just curious on this one Jayda. You seem pretty sociable so my question is, would this have been your first relationship? I've been in a relationship myself and kind of know what it's like, but looking back on some of the decisions I made, it's like I was drunk. They weren't bad decisions, like bad as in crossing the standards, but they were dumb. x10. I mean some of the time sacrifices and stuff that I made are almost embarassing to think of right now. So if you do go for this guy or say another guy , just don't be like me and make sacrifices for it to work. You're probably not going to meet your husband at the high school age. It'll seem worth it at the time but you'll look back like me and say," Oh my word, what a waste of time." Honestly, even though I think I'd be ready now to give a relationship a try again, I enjoy just being friends with girls. There's no stress or committment or anything. One of my best friends right now is a girl we'll call Anne, who I was words away from being in a relationship with at one point. Now she's like a sister or a best friend to me, and I like it that way so much better. We hang out casually all the time. Same with a lot of girls I've come across. So, that's just my two cents. Haha I apologize for a very long and looking back pointless post, but maybe you'll take something from it. It wasn't pointless Anyway, considering I just turned sixteen in August, yes, this would've been my first relationship. Obviously I don't even think you can consider it a relationship at this point, because he wasn't fully committed as I was and didn't consider himself my boyfriend. I know what you mean. Even though I haven't been in relationships, I've done the same thing for guys I like. I guess in a sense you could call it desperate (mostly because they always ended up liking another girl while I liked them and I always found out because they trust me) where I would try and move things around just to be with them for as long as I could. At this point, I'd take a relationship nice and slow. Levi just made my trust issues even worse xD And I doubt I'd give anything up for a guy, right now. Thought I really do want to be in a relationship, it doesn't appear to be happening anytime soon. Anyway, thanks very much for the post! Great observations Hockeydude and Jayda! Thanks for sharing! I'm sure other readers can learn from it too!
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Dec 11, 2009 18:03:36 GMT -5
Jayda said: "How do I move on? How do I get on with my life and not worry that I messed something great up, despite the fact that I feel much better then I did that entire month? How do I stay friends with both of them and only that with Levi? How do I feel okay with this and in the end have no regrets and just move along?
Advice would be fantastic I know that no one can have an absolute answer, but advice always gets me through things!" I know I already chipped in about this Jayda, so I won't say much more than this: check out Jenni's signature underneath her avatar pic. I think that quote applies a lot to your situation. Anyway, I think the girls will be able to offer much better advice than me, so I'll stay out of it. This the one Erik: No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry! I totally agree! Just remind yourself that you were fortunate enough to find out early.....before you had sacrificed any more time and effort on him!
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Post by Jayda on Dec 11, 2009 19:26:09 GMT -5
Jayda said: "How do I move on? How do I get on with my life and not worry that I messed something great up, despite the fact that I feel much better then I did that entire month? How do I stay friends with both of them and only that with Levi? How do I feel okay with this and in the end have no regrets and just move along?
Advice would be fantastic I know that no one can have an absolute answer, but advice always gets me through things!" I know I already chipped in about this Jayda, so I won't say much more than this: check out Jenni's signature underneath her avatar pic. I think that quote applies a lot to your situation. Anyway, I think the girls will be able to offer much better advice than me, so I'll stay out of it. This the one Erik: No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry! I totally agree! Just remind yourself that you were fortunate enough to find out early.....before you had sacrificed any more time and effort on him! Now I'll go back to reading that story of your's! [/quote] Thank you very much! That is indeed true. At least I found out earlier... It could've been worse... I didn't even think of that. Hehe, great!
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Dec 11, 2009 22:18:07 GMT -5
This the one Erik: No boy is worth crying over. And the one who is won't make you cry! I totally agree! Just remind yourself that you were fortunate enough to find out early.....before you had sacrificed any more time and effort on him! Now I'll go back to reading that story of your's! Yes, you were really lucky to find out when you did!
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Post by Jayda on Dec 14, 2009 12:34:49 GMT -5
Yes, it is a great thing that I found it out early. But now it kind of sucks :/ I texted him yesterday because he lost all of his contacts in his cell phone and he said that it had been a while since we'd talked and that he'd missed me a lot. I thought I was moving on, but now I don't even know. There's another guy that I MIGHT like, but I'm not sure if I do because I still really like/love Levi... Ugh
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Post by Erik Slack on Dec 14, 2009 16:39:47 GMT -5
I read one of those little papers in a fortune cookie once that said the following: "Remember that you are in control of who you share your love with. You may not be in control of who you are attracted to, but your love is a force only you can wield." There was another that said, "Attraction is a funny thing, and even those who hurt us can be its source, but that is never a healthy relationship." They apply well, don't they? Take 'em for what they're worth...I once found one that said I will be rich and successful, but it hasn't happened yet.
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Post by Jayda on Dec 14, 2009 16:45:24 GMT -5
Haha... Wow, those do fit pretty well, huh? I'll try to remember those If only it were easier done then said, rather then reversed! Thanks Erik
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Post by Jayda on Dec 16, 2009 23:50:54 GMT -5
Okay, you guys are probably getting tired of me I'm sorry! But you guys are very helpful. So... there's this guy. Joe, from my story. Well, I've known him for a while and kinda liked him before I met Levi and all that jazz. Well, since I got unlimited texting I've been texting him the most. WAYYYY more then Levi, at this point, and I used to text Levi ALL the time. So, anywho, I'll just get on with it. I think I like him, but I'm not sure because ever since Levi, its hard for me to really start liking a guy. Plus, the whole idea of us maybe getting together someday-ish is a little nerve-wracking. Probably because of what happened with Levi. Well, there are three problems with him: he's 14, he has a girlfriend, and he's inactive-ish. I mean, not totally inactive. He comes on Tuesdays and such. But he's not allowed to come on Sundays. Anywho, I'll just post a message I sent to my cousin on FB. Here it goes: So, I was texting Joe almost all day (as usual) and he asked what I was up to. I told him that I was watching TV and texting, trying to get people to come to the dance on Saturday because all of my friends were bailing on me. I want more friends to come so I don't get stuck with Levi and Kate, considering they're still on the love-boat and I'm the "reject" I guess is a decent way to describe it. Anywho, I'm nervous about what'll happen Saturday because they'll be together, and because Levi did seem mad/short with me earlier. Well, Joe said that he would come Saturday (without knowing my worries and such, just that I was trying to get more friends to come over) but he had already made plans. I told him that it was fine (though I was disappointed of course) and he said that he was glad I understood. Anywho, so I asked how his day was and then he asked how mine was. So I said: ME: "Ehhh... alright." JOE: "Why?" M: "Well, one of my guyfriends seemed kinda short with me, my mom got mad at me in front of all the choir, and my friends bailed on me for Sat. But I got to sleep in this morning " J: "Well I'm sorry. I didn't know that all that had happened, you okay?" M: "I'll be fine. I'm just a little antsy bout Saturday cause I have to see him (Levi - the one that "broke up" with me) and he'll be around my friend Kate that he likes too, the reason he "broke up" with me. So I dunno how its gonna go. But I'll be fine." J: "You sure? What time is this shindig?" M: "Yeah. Its all good The dinner portion starts at 6 and the dance starts around 7." J: "You know I might be able to make that one, I no has a ride though, is it like formal dress?" M: "You serious??? Jacob is going, so maybe he could. It's semi-formal to formal cause its a "Christmas Ball". So, like Sunday dress or nicer." J: "Okay I'll let Jacob know and I'll come But I gots to go so goodnight Jay!" M: "For rizzle? Joe, you are seriously awesome Alright, I'll talk to you later!!!" END OF CONVERSATION. Okay... HOW FREAKING SWEET IS THAT?!?!?! AHHHH! He's so awesome! -sigh- But now I'm kinda nervous about seeing him on Saturday... Like, good nervous... I think xD Haha. Oh, and before when I mentioned that he should come (a few days ago) he said that he isn't one for dancing, so he didn't want to come. Holy heck. He's amazing... I hope he's not doing anything he doesn't want to do... do you think I pressured him or something? I feel kinda guilty now... Kinda lame, though, right??? *** So... what do you think? Did I pressure him into it? :/ I hope I didn't!!! Oh, and I think he likes me... But I can never be sure with guys xD
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Post by Erik Slack on Dec 17, 2009 0:06:27 GMT -5
Haha, don't be silly, Jayda, we'll never tire of you or your questions. ;D Joe seems nice, but I think that you should treat him like a good friend for now. I suggest waiting until he's 16 before going on a real date; the Prophet gives us counsel for a reason ya know. PS. Don't feel guilty! He's coming because he wants to, otherwise he wouldn't have offered. Keep your cool and be yourself and he's bound to fall madly in love with you. JK, but the advice still works.
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Post by hockeydude on Dec 17, 2009 0:41:35 GMT -5
I think Erik got to this one first. Whether going further is going to happen or not, make sure that you're close friends with the guy first.
I wouldn't be worried about taking it to a relationship off the bat, especially when you're unsure. I've got all these teachers in my ward who meet a girl at a dance and they're "the perfect couple" for like a week and then "something happened" and they never talk to eachother again. My first relationship was similar, I thought oh she's cute, got myself involved, and then found out we were probably the most opposite people ever. Big, big unnecessary drama scene and big, big waste of time. So focus on really knowing him like one of your closer friends, not making the move.
If he's 14 too...eh...unless you find yourself struggling to breathe without him I'd avoid it. I wouldn't compromise your standard for it, let alone by how unsure you are with the situation.
Here. This is just my way of looking at my own confusions dealing with girls that I think has really led me in the right direction. When a situation is a fit, you're not going to be confused. I thought I'd met everyone when I was 15. I thought I'd met everyone when I was 16. Same with 17 and 18. The truth is you're never going to stop meeting people, and you don't know those people who are still going to walk into your life. So if you hook up with someone you're unsure about and then the right puzzle piece enters your life, how much more complicated did you just make your life. You know what I'm saying? So unless you're 100% sure, which sometimes just takes some time, I'd stay friends.
Hope this helps.
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