|
Post by Michael on Dec 9, 2010 4:31:19 GMT -5
I don't even know what to name the subject Back in Step I think, my family had a week were we had problem after problem, that week alone cost us 7k.. we were (Still are) on food stamps, even.. things are still bad but going on I guess. Even tho I have good friends like Spencer and his brothers, Hunter and his brother.. I still feel really alone sometimes.. like right now, I my eyes are watery and I feel like throwing up. tonight was the ward Christmas program, I played and sung Silent night on the guitar, with someone doing piano and everyone singing, I messed up so much that I just wanted to hid from everyone. but I had to face everyone with them saying "Hey Mike!, you did great" when in my head I was just saying "No, I didn't even did good, I messed up so much" Spencer cares for me, I know that.. cuz I was writing a poem, told him the subject, it was about rejection... he asked if I could make it cheerful and have it be about overcoming rejection... I had a thought come in my head it was one was about self-injury, not cutting but burning... no one in real life knows about that thought. My Bishop knows about AS, Aspager's Sydrome and the loneliness I feel. I don't want to tell my mom about this because.. she has enough problems going on in her life, I don't want to be another problem... I do the jobs she ask of me, I even do extras if she ask me to do anything else Spencer tell me I'm awesome or amazing, when we're done talking on the phone, his like "Hey Michael, your awesome" I just say something like "Thanks, you too" I been thinking of getting a emo hairstyle when my hair grows out, not saying I'm emo.. I just like the style, but here are the 2 I would like. www.emo-site.com/images/emo-boys/emo-boys.jpg 3.bp.blogspot.com/_yqQJe8VD5Ek/RvyX77AhKeI/AAAAAAAAAQ8/MykMREkPKso/s1600-h/emoboy.jpgWhat is wrong with me
|
|
|
Post by Erik Slack on Dec 9, 2010 10:38:41 GMT -5
I know you've got a special condition Miky, and I know I can't understand exactly what you're going through without living in your shoes, but I do know what it's like to feel depressed and hopefully my experience can benefit you at this time. By the way, it's really great that you can release those your feelings in such a positive way...such feelings have to be worked through somehow, and writing it out is probably the best way possible to do so. I put most of my thoughts in a journal that I keep, but if I just need to work through some bad feelings I write them down and rip out the page and tear it to pieces. Hanging on to bad feelings is never a good decision. Hence, God told us we must forgive all men and not hold grudges or he wouldn't forgive us either. He also told us to be humble and meek, willing to submit to all things...this is soooo hard and I don't think it's possible to master it in this life, but it's important to Him that we try nonetheless. He blesses our lives if we do. Despair and loneliness is something you have to turn to the Lord with all your heart to get out of. Nobody can pull you out of that cycle, but yourself and God. Medicines that the doctor perscribes, if take correctly, can also help immensely. Fortunately there is something you can do right now or whenever you want that doesn't involve doctors and will make a more lasting peace than any drug. You don't even have to set up an appointment with the Bishop or anything...all you have to do is pray! Pray like you've never prayed before, Miky. Other people can cheer you up for a little while, but in the end it's up to you how you're going to live your life. There will always be times in our lives when the devil drags us face-first through the mud, but when you're sick of it, consider that Christ's atonement has healing power, so pray and seek a mighty change of heart. I've had to do this so many times in my life. Sometimes I didn't feel like doing it, and sometimes feelings of depression ruled my thoughts for weeks at a time. I always regretted putting it off; nothing is accomplished, but further pain and sorrow by putting off going to the Lord. I love that picture where Jesus is helping a child climb up onto a rock and out of the stream. It reminds me that His hand is always reaching out for me, and that I only need to grasp it and let Him pull me up. I'll be leaving next week, but I'll sure miss you buddy. Your friend is right, you are awesome. But not because of something you did like play the guitar in front of a huge crowd...that's pretty dang frightening though and must have taken some guts...but you're awesome because you have a noble spirit. If you don't believe me, read what the prophets have to say about our generation of believing youth. But I believe you have something even beyond that...a spirit of compassion that is rare and priceless. Embrace that part of yourself Miky, keep helping out your mom and caring for your family. You'll be blessed immensely for your efforts if you endure.
|
|
|
Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2010 15:32:24 GMT -5
Erik has a LOT of good points. I may emphasize some of them in this post, but hearing it from multiple people can sometimes affirm what was said, and help you remember them First of all, I don't want you to think that something is wrong with you. As a person who deals with illnesses as well, I understand your struggles. Maybe not exactly, because I don't deal with AS, but in general I understand how having an illness can only help bring you down. The only time when there is something "wrong" with us is when we don't do what the Lord wants us to do and rather put ourselves before Him. That is when we must change ourselves. Otherwise, the way you are is how you are intended to be. We are meant to have difficult trials and to live a difficult life. God never once lied to us and said, "Life is going to be a breeze! You just have to pray and read scriptures and go to church and get married in the Temple and life is just going to be so simple! You'll never feel down, you'll never have trials. It'll be great!" He never once said it would be easy. He never once said we wouldn't ever have trials or that we wouldn't ever feel down. In fact, I'm sure he prepared our Spirits for what we were about to enter into. What you and your family are going through is necessary. Not only is it for all of you to overcome in order to be better people, but it is also to prove your willingness to obey, rely on and turn to the Lord. Prove to God that you trust in Him, no matter how difficult life can be. Proving to God that you trust in and rely on Him means reading your scriptures every single day, even if only for five minutes. Trust me, five minutes will do wonders. In fact, I challenge you to read at least five minutes before you leave your room in the morning after you pray, and five minutes before you go to sleep at night after you pray. At least five minutes. It can be more than that, if you'd like. But if you aren't in the habit, five minutes is a great way to begin a habit Along with reading scriptures, pray. I know that these are all "Primary answers" but they're honestly true. Praying is one of the few things that tends to help me every time. Don't wait to pray until you're dead tired and about to fall asleep. In fact, pray maybe an hour before you plan on going to bed, that way you aren't trying to rush through it so that you can get to sleep. When you pray ask for strength, to be uplifted, and to feel and have the Spirit with you. If you live righteously you can have the Spirit with you always. When you pray, pray earnestly for answers. Then, in your daily life, look for those answers around you. They can be as simple as someone smiling to you in a store, or getting something for cheap at the store. God is always answering prayers and He is always giving us what we will need in our lives. Along with praying and reading scriptures I really, truly encourage you to read uplifting books. The Prophets and Aspostles have some AMAZING books out there. You can even borrow some of them from the church library if you don't have any at home. If you can, read the New Era. This months' was absolutely fantastic. I almost found myself crying because of the strong and sweet Spirit I felt while reading Christmas messages. If you have them, read through older copies of the New Era, as well. It's extremely uplifting. Listen to good music from the church, like The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, even if you can only listen to them on youtube. O Divine Redeemer, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing and My Song In The Night are incredibly uplifting and spiritual. I'ev been where you are, even if only a little bit. When I was first in Young Women's I had no close friends. Honestly, I rebelled, and things were so difficult for me that I nearly became an atheist. But then one night I became so overwhelmed by negativity that I knelt down in prayer and pleaded with my Heavenly Father to give me a sign that He was really there as my parents, leaders, and friends had all professed often in my life. In my final moments of pleading, literally minutes before I was about to give up and stop believing that He was there at all, a scripture popped into my head that I had never read before. It was a scripture in Job and it was an exact answer to prayer. I had already been crying out of frustration, but the tears that then ran down my face were of happiness. I had received an answer to prayer. Heavenly Father was there. He knew my needs, He had heard my pleading and He had come to me when I needed Him most. This was only after I'd done what was necessary to receive an answer. This was only after I pleaded with Him to help me understand and know. I've been in a lot of dark places in my life and only recently have I really begun to come out of them. It's a struggle a lot of the time. There's so much negativity and darkness in this world and it can become extremely confusing and overwhelming. We go against the flow of traffic. When all of the world is going one way, we are going the other. While the world is going away from Christ and His outstretched hand, we are going closer and closer to Him. We all go at different paces. Some of us get there faster and sooner than others, but as long as we are trying we will be blessed. I recently went to a John Bytheway fireside and the whole lesson was based around what we should be an example in. One of the images he had was of diamonds against black velvet. These diamonds sparkled and popped against the material beneath them and they were beautiful and radiant and shone. Only when you looked up at the ceiling could you see that the reason they were shining was because a light from above was shining down on them, helping them shine from among the darkness. With God's help we can shine against the darkness. We can be strong and of good courage, just as the EFY theme said this year. "Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed, for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." Be strong, Michael. I know how rough it can be. Only very recently has life begun to feel at least somewhat better. It doesn't last all the time. I still have days and nights when I feel down and depressed and that life isn't as great as I think it should be. But because I've been trying to do what the Lord would have me do (I've noticed that since I've begun fasting life has seemed to become better, as well, so maybe you should try fasting?) I've been feeling more uplifted, even if life isn't going quite as I wish it would. Things are still overwhelming, and I'm not through all of my hurtles. We won't ever be through with trials until we die. I know that that thought seems daunting, but just try to remember the riches and blessings we will receive in the next life if we remain valiant and steadfast. God will receive us with open arms, welcoming us back into His presence, if we only just work hard to become better and do as He asks. I know that life is difficult for you, but even then there is SO much to be thankful for on a daily basis. Starting this Christmas I'm going to be keeping a Blessing Journal. Every day I'll write down five things that I'm thankful for, before I go to bed. At first it'll be things like My family, my friends, God, Christ" etcetera but since I'm not really supposed to repeat anything I've already put down I'll have to work harder to think of things. This will help me see the blessings that God gives me in my every day life I recommend you trying to do the same! I know it can be difficult to write in a journal for a few minutes every day, but maybe start with once a week and try to build up if you can't manage every day? As for the harming yourself, please don't. I've thought about doing the same thing and though it is a temptation (and I understand why it is) it will never, EVER be worth it. 1) When you harm yourself on purpose you are in a way defiling a sacred Temple of God. 2) If your mom specifically found out she'd be hurt and wonder what she did wrong. That was how my mom was when my sister did what she did this summer. 3) It won't help. I promise you this. Only righteous things can give us ultimate joy. I promise you this. Just remember that you are not alone. One thing that helps me is that when things seem difficult for me I can always know that someone out there has it worse off than I do. A lot of the time it might seem difficult to believe, but just watch the news. A lot of those people tend to have it worse off than us. If because of nothing else, it's because we have the true Gospel in our lives and they most likely do not. I hope that you get to feeling better! Keep up your music and poem writing Keep helping your mom and just try to stay positive. I know that it's difficult sometimes, but it's worth it in the end.
|
|
|
Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2010 15:33:17 GMT -5
Oh, and along with all of that, please red D&C 122. It's a short section and it's helped me through some of the hardest trials of my life. Hopefully it'll help you! Especially the last 4 or so verses.
|
|
|
Post by Michael on Dec 9, 2010 20:08:44 GMT -5
Thanks everyone, I haven't read my scriptures daily since efy in 2009 June 22-27, that week I read mine scriptures and even read them for 1-3 days when I got home, idk what happened.
and would Chirstian rock be okay to listen to as well?... jw. This one time when I was really down for a couple of days, maybe a week then I prayed after I was crying in the dark living room at 12am, I heard "142" and I had the music book by me, so I open it up and the song was "Did you think to pray?" I was like ".. but I did pray" but then I read the words to the song.
I won't give up writing poetry and songs, I love it even tho I'm hard on myself and say their not really good. The roads are all nice and clear out with no more snow, so me and Spencer can do that group date we were planning, with Aubrey (Some of you know of her) and my and Aubrey's and Spencer's friend Julie, she's a really good friend.
but my reading and praying isn't so good, how do I get in the habit?.. like 5mins for reading, but praying??
plus, I love Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing
------------ Erik, thank you for what you said, I will sure miss you when your gone on your mission, I should write you or something, wish you luck.
|
|
|
Post by Remove on Dec 9, 2010 21:15:23 GMT -5
Christian rock is great! but don't let it replace scripture reading. Here's a weird idea....put a BOM in your bathroom...and read it while your using the potty Even a few verses every 4-6 hours helps! I just read a really cool book about Aspergers! And, I don't think theres anything wrong with an emo haircut I like emo hair lol
|
|
|
Post by Jayda on Dec 9, 2010 22:07:35 GMT -5
Christian rock is great But it's not as spiritual, nor the same as MoTab or other church music (like Kenneth Cope, Jenny Phillips, Hillary Weeks, etcetera). You probably won't feel the spirit as strongly with Christian rock as you will with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Even the EFY CD's are great! You really should try to get into the habit. It can be difficult. There was actually an article in this month's New Era about reading scriptures regularly! If you can, I recommend you read it. What I do is I have a set of scriptures by my bed so that before I turn my lights off I open it and read even just a few verses. As for prayer, what I do is I just roll over onto my knees instantly before I do anything else when I wake up. If it's too cold in my room I go straight to the bathroom in front of the space heater and pray. One way I get myself to pray more often than not is just feeling guilty for not talking to my Dad. He is out literal Daddy. How would you feel if the children you loved so deeply never talked to you? Also, if I'm being more selfish, I think of all of the blessings and guidance I could lose by NOT praying. Scripture study is the hardest for me. It's just a matter of dedication and discipline. Reading and praying may not seem fun or good at first but you won't see results immediately, most likely. Just keep to it and over time, when you look back, I think you'll see a difference
|
|
|
Post by Erik Slack on Dec 10, 2010 1:20:19 GMT -5
Yah I'd like that a lot Mike!
Exercise keeps the body healthy. Scripture study and meaningful prayer keep the spirit healthy. The best periods of my life have been when I was both physically active and spiritually engaged.
Like Jayda said, it's much easier to find time to read in the morning or evening to read scriptures. My Bishop has counseled me to get up early every morning so that I can have sort of a morning devotional. I have felt renewed strength and confidence as I've followed his advice. I know you probably have tons of stuff to read already, but if you're bored, go online and read a talk entitled "Opening the Heavens" by Brother Kikuchi.
I've never had a problem with cutting I guess because I'm too squeamish to try, but I know that this is a major problem amongst youth and young adults today. Conquer this impulse, as it can become a very real and very destructive habit.
I'm certain that someday, Miky, you'll be able to help someone else who's going through similar trials in their life. I think it would be in your best interest to keep a journal so that you won't forget how you feel now when you're older. I keep a journal and write down even my embarrassing stuff because someday I'll be a dad, I hope, and what I wrote in my journal might help me understand what they're dealing with better.
|
|
|
Post by Michael on Dec 10, 2010 1:44:40 GMT -5
Thanks everyone again, Lizzy, what is the name of the book?. Jayda, I'll try doing that, o and grants on your writing goal Eirk, I used to write in a journal but I really didn't know what to write, so only 4-5 pages are full, mostly from the week of efy. Josh Groban - You Are Loved, is a good song.. I like it a lot, and I know what u guys mean from Christan rock to church music. O and I wouldn't cut cuz same thing, to squeamish, but burning I could do , not not going to do it.
|
|
|
Post by Remove on Dec 10, 2010 18:40:01 GMT -5
the book was called House Rules
|
|
|
Post by Evil Seeker on Dec 10, 2010 19:47:37 GMT -5
some one is playing with fire fire is fun and playing in the dark is fun and my eyes like the dark. and you do not want to be come emo or feel emo feeling emo is not fun.
|
|
|
Post by Michael on Dec 12, 2010 1:21:43 GMT -5
Not going to burn myself, nor be emo.
|
|