Post by Jayda on Feb 21, 2011 0:57:36 GMT -5
I'm sorry for taking up a whole thread for my venting, but I just really need to get this out. It's eating me up right now.
Okay, I know I'm generalizing this when I say it, but boys suck. I know not all of them do, but really, I almost see no hope. Every guy I know in real life has at one point hurt me. And sure, some of it isn't as bad as when other guys hurt me, but regardless, it's happened with every guy I'm even somewhat close to. They just suck. They don't care about your feelings. At least it doesn't seem like they do. I know that some of them do... It just doesn't feel like it right now. It really just... doesn't.
I hate that I'm generalizing, so I'll apologize for that right now. This is going to be just a generalization. I know not all guys are like this. This is just how I feel right now. So I'm apologizing in advance to any guys on here. I know you may not be like this.
I don't usually use the word hate, because it's such a strong word, but I really just kind of hate guys right now. It doesn't last, it's not an on-going hate or something. I just... They always hurt me. Always. I can't trust any of them, except my family. I can't trust them to keep promises, I can't trust them to go through with what they say, I can't trust them when they tell me how they feel, I can't trust them to not hurt me emotionally or physically, I can't trust them to not pressure me into things, I can't trust them to not make me believe them and then turn around and be the complete opposite of what I thought. Guys have just hurt me too much in my life. I have no trust for guys. None. I'll be surprised if I ever REALLY trust guy again. Because I don't trust really any guys right now. I trust my dad. That's it.
I wish things weren't like this. I wish I could trust them. But the last one I really thought I could trust ended up pretty much breaking my heart just a week ago. Three freaking heartbreaks in less than a year and a half. I can't take it anymore. I just wish I didn't even have to deal with getting emotionally involved. I hate guys. They never do what they say they'll do. They never stay when they say they will. They never mean what they say. They might be there for me, and I might be there for them, but that doesn't mean that i trust them, and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not ridiculously hurt right now. I'm crying. I don't even want to waste my tears on these guys right now. I don't hate individual guys. I just hate guys as a whole. I see good in strong men of the church, especially my daddy, but... I just don't have any hope right now. I'll have more hope tomorrow, I think. But right now all I see if nothing. I don't see myself ever trusting a guy again. I don't see myself fully trusting any guy in my lifetime. I hope that I'll find a guy that I'll be able to love and eventually fully trust, but that guy will have to be soooo patient with me at this point. I don't trust guys. He'll have to understand that.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I try so hard to be open, to let myself believe that I can trust guys and that every new guy I meet has potential. But when I think I can actually trust them and let my guard down and let my heart get involved they just break it into tiny pieces. I've worked so hard to glue my heart back together over the last year and a half and every guy I give it to, trusting that they won't shatter it again (because they swear to me that they'd NEVER do what the last guy did to me... lies.), just throws it on the ground again. I can't keep gluing it back together, and I can't keep trusting that there will be some guy that I meet that I'll be able to trust to never leave and actually mean what he says.
I just don't know how to do it right now. I want to believe, I want to feel that hope, but in this instance I feel no hope. I know that there is. But right now I feel so helpless and broken and I can't even stand it. I was so happy for the first time in over six months and now I'm right back where I was, it seems. Not all the time. But I'm not happy all the time now. I'm really not that happy at all, anymore. At least not as often as I was two weeks ago. I try to be. I put on a face. But all I can keep thinking is, "What's wrong with me? Why am I never enough?" and I can't help but think that it's really ME that's the problem instead of them and their issues. I mean, three guys in less than a year and a half have just dropped me. Sure, they try to be "friends" and Levi has actually managed to be a really great friend now that I'm completely over what happened, but it doesn't mean that they didn't hurt me, and it doesn't mean that I don't have scars, and it doesn't mean that those scars aren't ripped open bleeding right now. And it doesn't mean that there's not something wrong with me.
I don't even know how to fix myself. I don't even know what's wrong with me. All I know is that this keeps happening to me and I don't know why. I wish I did. I know there's a reason for everything, but this just seems like a bit much. I don't know how much more I can handle. Having your heart broken once is bad enough, but three times in such a short period of time? I don't understand. And all I can think now is that this third time definitely won't be the last. All guys seem to do is hurt me.
I'm trying to have an eternal perspective. I just find it so difficult sometimes. I know that there's some guy out there for me, and I read about him in my patriarchal blessing all the time, and I write letters to him in a journal, but even then something in my ear whispers occassionally "you'll never find him" or "he'll never love you" or "you'll never be good enough". No matter how hard I try to live the Gospel. But even then, my future husband and kids are really the only things that keep me going all the time. That, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and God. Even my family isn't enough sometimes. I know he's out there. I just don't always believe it.
I just hate being hurt so much. It's like guys don't even care that when girls get involved - especially a girl like me who is so believing and caring and understanding and someone who doesn't want to point out the bad in others or call people out when they're in the wrong - girls REALLY get involved. Their emotions start getting stronger, and their feelings are intensified, and everything really means a lot to them, and then they just throw it away. They don't even care. Well, I care. And I'm just so tired of this.
I'm not going to say that I'm giving up on guys entirely. My mom wants me to be open. I'm open. I'll talk to guys and understand that they may have potential. But because of all of the guys in my past it's going to take forever for some guy to be able to really gain even a good majority of my trust. I worry that even when I'm married I'll have something in the back of my head saying "He says he'll never leave, but he will." People who say that they know for sure their spouse/significant other won't ever leave totally baffle me. I wish I could be so certain about something that seems so uncertain to me. I worry that I'll never be able to say that with 100% confidence, even about my husband.
I don't know. I just needed to vent. I don't even know what all I'm saying. I don't even know what kind of help you guys can offer me, if anything. I know that God has a plan, I know that if I keep living the Gospel I'll be blessed, I know that there's some guy out there willing to put up with my damaged heart and my trust issues. It can just be difficult to feel, sometimes.
Okay, I know I'm generalizing this when I say it, but boys suck. I know not all of them do, but really, I almost see no hope. Every guy I know in real life has at one point hurt me. And sure, some of it isn't as bad as when other guys hurt me, but regardless, it's happened with every guy I'm even somewhat close to. They just suck. They don't care about your feelings. At least it doesn't seem like they do. I know that some of them do... It just doesn't feel like it right now. It really just... doesn't.
I hate that I'm generalizing, so I'll apologize for that right now. This is going to be just a generalization. I know not all guys are like this. This is just how I feel right now. So I'm apologizing in advance to any guys on here. I know you may not be like this.
I don't usually use the word hate, because it's such a strong word, but I really just kind of hate guys right now. It doesn't last, it's not an on-going hate or something. I just... They always hurt me. Always. I can't trust any of them, except my family. I can't trust them to keep promises, I can't trust them to go through with what they say, I can't trust them when they tell me how they feel, I can't trust them to not hurt me emotionally or physically, I can't trust them to not pressure me into things, I can't trust them to not make me believe them and then turn around and be the complete opposite of what I thought. Guys have just hurt me too much in my life. I have no trust for guys. None. I'll be surprised if I ever REALLY trust guy again. Because I don't trust really any guys right now. I trust my dad. That's it.
I wish things weren't like this. I wish I could trust them. But the last one I really thought I could trust ended up pretty much breaking my heart just a week ago. Three freaking heartbreaks in less than a year and a half. I can't take it anymore. I just wish I didn't even have to deal with getting emotionally involved. I hate guys. They never do what they say they'll do. They never stay when they say they will. They never mean what they say. They might be there for me, and I might be there for them, but that doesn't mean that i trust them, and it certainly doesn't mean that I'm not ridiculously hurt right now. I'm crying. I don't even want to waste my tears on these guys right now. I don't hate individual guys. I just hate guys as a whole. I see good in strong men of the church, especially my daddy, but... I just don't have any hope right now. I'll have more hope tomorrow, I think. But right now all I see if nothing. I don't see myself ever trusting a guy again. I don't see myself fully trusting any guy in my lifetime. I hope that I'll find a guy that I'll be able to love and eventually fully trust, but that guy will have to be soooo patient with me at this point. I don't trust guys. He'll have to understand that.
I just don't know what to do with myself. I try so hard to be open, to let myself believe that I can trust guys and that every new guy I meet has potential. But when I think I can actually trust them and let my guard down and let my heart get involved they just break it into tiny pieces. I've worked so hard to glue my heart back together over the last year and a half and every guy I give it to, trusting that they won't shatter it again (because they swear to me that they'd NEVER do what the last guy did to me... lies.), just throws it on the ground again. I can't keep gluing it back together, and I can't keep trusting that there will be some guy that I meet that I'll be able to trust to never leave and actually mean what he says.
I just don't know how to do it right now. I want to believe, I want to feel that hope, but in this instance I feel no hope. I know that there is. But right now I feel so helpless and broken and I can't even stand it. I was so happy for the first time in over six months and now I'm right back where I was, it seems. Not all the time. But I'm not happy all the time now. I'm really not that happy at all, anymore. At least not as often as I was two weeks ago. I try to be. I put on a face. But all I can keep thinking is, "What's wrong with me? Why am I never enough?" and I can't help but think that it's really ME that's the problem instead of them and their issues. I mean, three guys in less than a year and a half have just dropped me. Sure, they try to be "friends" and Levi has actually managed to be a really great friend now that I'm completely over what happened, but it doesn't mean that they didn't hurt me, and it doesn't mean that I don't have scars, and it doesn't mean that those scars aren't ripped open bleeding right now. And it doesn't mean that there's not something wrong with me.
I don't even know how to fix myself. I don't even know what's wrong with me. All I know is that this keeps happening to me and I don't know why. I wish I did. I know there's a reason for everything, but this just seems like a bit much. I don't know how much more I can handle. Having your heart broken once is bad enough, but three times in such a short period of time? I don't understand. And all I can think now is that this third time definitely won't be the last. All guys seem to do is hurt me.
I'm trying to have an eternal perspective. I just find it so difficult sometimes. I know that there's some guy out there for me, and I read about him in my patriarchal blessing all the time, and I write letters to him in a journal, but even then something in my ear whispers occassionally "you'll never find him" or "he'll never love you" or "you'll never be good enough". No matter how hard I try to live the Gospel. But even then, my future husband and kids are really the only things that keep me going all the time. That, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and God. Even my family isn't enough sometimes. I know he's out there. I just don't always believe it.
I just hate being hurt so much. It's like guys don't even care that when girls get involved - especially a girl like me who is so believing and caring and understanding and someone who doesn't want to point out the bad in others or call people out when they're in the wrong - girls REALLY get involved. Their emotions start getting stronger, and their feelings are intensified, and everything really means a lot to them, and then they just throw it away. They don't even care. Well, I care. And I'm just so tired of this.
I'm not going to say that I'm giving up on guys entirely. My mom wants me to be open. I'm open. I'll talk to guys and understand that they may have potential. But because of all of the guys in my past it's going to take forever for some guy to be able to really gain even a good majority of my trust. I worry that even when I'm married I'll have something in the back of my head saying "He says he'll never leave, but he will." People who say that they know for sure their spouse/significant other won't ever leave totally baffle me. I wish I could be so certain about something that seems so uncertain to me. I worry that I'll never be able to say that with 100% confidence, even about my husband.
I don't know. I just needed to vent. I don't even know what all I'm saying. I don't even know what kind of help you guys can offer me, if anything. I know that God has a plan, I know that if I keep living the Gospel I'll be blessed, I know that there's some guy out there willing to put up with my damaged heart and my trust issues. It can just be difficult to feel, sometimes.