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Post by Daughter Of God on Nov 5, 2010 21:05:15 GMT -5
I really need someone to talk to. I don't care whether or not it's an anonymous person who knows nothing about me, but I need someone to talk to, ultimately. I used to cut myself. I have cut myself for quite a while now. I am about to turn 15, and have cut since I was 12. Recently, I was diagnosed bipolar. This explains so many of my feelings. But now, on medication, even, I can't resist the urge to cut myself. I know my body is a temple, and I know the Lord loves me, but sometimes it's just such a large trial. I have received my patriarchal blessing. Because of this, I know what is in store for me if I just live a worthy live. But I don't feel temple worthy by having slits on my wrists. Sometimes I feel like my temple recommend is the only thing keeping me from doing this again. But I cry too often because the burden is so much to handle. My parents both know about it, they found out around a year ago, and I was put into immediate therapy. What they don't know is that I disregarded my contract, and I hurt myself anyway. I haven't cut myself since July. But they think it's coming up on a year. So to tell them that I'm having these urges doesn't feel like an option. I feel so alone constantly. I chose to go to a new, private school this year, and I miss my old friends. I don't want my new ones to know about my habits. No one at my new school knows. I cry so often, and have considered both cutting, starving, and hurting myself in a way that would attract attention. Not the kind of attention that many girls do it for. But because my parents argue and literally put me in the middle of nearly everything, I feel as if I have to do something so dramatic to get them to finally listen. I understand that these feelings could be a result from my bipolar, but I need someone who can listen, and give me a spiritual aspect, from which I know and am familiar with. I am a poet, and here is an example of some of the works I come up with after cutting:
"But the knife still bleeds its crimson tears, and dug into my veins, carving away the simple laughter, that paraded around in rains.
I would cry. I would crawl. I would sleep. I would fall. Till one day you whispered that you knew."
and
"The canyons still sweep through my skin and flood back the tears of the past. The floods rise over the peaks and rain through to absolute horrors of the flesh, layering the thick atoms which try to rise, but fail when halted. But they rise and they spill over the canvas I paint on, but never, am I finished with the masterpiece."
Please help me. -Daughter Of God
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Post by Evil Seeker on Nov 6, 2010 9:55:22 GMT -5
Ouch that doesn't sound fun ouch does music or what will help i. little now how you feel some people don't get me i see Shadows sometimes but i know what they are.
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Post by Jayda on Nov 6, 2010 14:48:38 GMT -5
Hey Daughter of God First of all, I want you to know that you aren’t alone in this. I know a few young women in my ward who have dealt with self-injury problems and my sister is dealing with severe clinical depression right now, to the point of suicidal thoughts and a suicide attempt. You aren’t alone. I may not deal with your illness myself, but I do understand what you’re going through, and I understand how it affects people around you, as well, so hopefully I can help at least somewhat! Okay, let’s start with your diagnosis. You were diagnosed with bipolar disorder but the medication they’ve put you on isn’t really working? I had a friend who was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and it was an inaccurate diagnosis, so the medication didn’t do anything. I recommend first of all getting a second opinion, or ask for them to diagnose you again. If they don’t look at all of the facts and really study you they can easily misdiagnose you. It happens all the time, and not just with mental illness. It happens in all sorts of medical fields. So, ask for a re-diagnosis, if that’s even an accurate term. Perhaps you aren’t even dealing with bipolar disorder. Perhaps you’re more depressed than bipolar. Or maybe you’re dealing with depression on top of being bipolar. It could be a number of things, and if they aren’t studying you and taking all of the facts into consideration they can easily have misdiagnosed you. Okay, now let’s talk about therapy. Are you going to a psychiatrist and psychologist still? If not, ask to go to them again. Both of them. One is for medication; the other is like a therapist. This does mean that you’ll have to tell your parents that you aren’t coming up on the year date of stopping cutting yourself. To be frank, you have to tell them. That’s the only option. If you want to get better you have to tell them the truth. I’ll be blunt: you can’t sit there, having these urges, wanting to harm yourself, but not tell anyone so that you can get help and expect to get any better. I’ve had to look at things from that angle a lot. I’m not saying it to be mean or rude. I’m saying it so that you can understand what you’re doing. You want help; you want to get better, which is most definitely the first step in the right direction. But you have to ask for help in order to get it, and you have to be honest as to why you want/need that help. One of the things I’ve been trying to tell a friend of mine whom I think is dealing with depression is that he can’t only rely on Heavenly Father’s power, on prayer and scripture study and doing everything right spiritually in order to be healed/get better. You have to go to doctors; you have to use the options God has given you. He will only send you the blessings after all that you can do, you know? So, if you don’t tell your parents that you still deal with those urges and that you only stopped cutting yourself in July you can’t get the proper help you need. You have to tell them. You may not feel like it is an option, but in reality, if you want to get better it is the ONLY option. Honesty is key in everything. I’m not just saying that because it’s a big saying in the world. It’s the truth. You want help? Be honest. You still feel like you want to cut yourself? Be honest. You want your parents to stop pulling you into the middle of their arguments? Be honest. One of the things I’ve had to realize recently is that I have to be proactive if I want things to get better. It can take a lot of courage, but you have to stand up and be willing to accept the fact that maybe things will only get worse before they get better, but you have to do things you may not want to do in order for things to begin getting better. Take things into your own hands. Take control of the situation. Tell your parents that you don’t like it when they pull you into the middle of their arguments. I’m not saying yell it to them when they’re in the middle of the fight. But they can’t do anything unless they know the truth. They can’t stop pulling you into the middle if they don’t realize how it’s affecting you. They can’t help you get help unless you tell them that you need it. They can’t do anything in ignorance. So, I recommend sitting them down, maybe on a Sunday after church when everyone’s uplifted and spiritual, and be honest with them. Tell them that you aren’t coming up on a year, tell them that you’re still dealing with those urges even on the medication, tell them that their arguing affects you badly, tell them that you need more help and that you WANT more help. When you go to therapy ask for family sessions. My sister goes to a psychologist and psychiatrist and they have family sessions so that they can all talk things through and figure out solutions. The good thing about these family sessions is that since the therapist is neutral and isn’t biased he/she can point out the flaws in both sides. But even in there you have to be honest. You cannot get the correct help, or even the correct amount of help if you don’t tell the truth. Only you know what’s really going on inside of you. You have to express it. Otherwise it won’t be fixed. I think I’ve covered the majority of medical/temporal things, so now, onto the more spiritual side of things. I know what you’re talking about when you feel like harming yourself because of attention. I may not exactly deal with that all the time, but sometimes in stressful situations I do want to see who would care if something bad happened to me. They aren’t strong urges for me, but considering you’ve harmed yourself in the past those feelings are indeed a problem. You need to express to them how big of an issue this is. If they don’t fully understand they cannot do anything correctly in order to help you. If your Temple recommend is the only thing keeping you from hurting yourself some/most of the time that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s a step in the right direction. At least you AREN’T harming yourself, right? I don’t deal with cutting myself, but I do deal with some anorexia. I deal with it on my own because I manage it (I actually don’t think anyone on this site knows about that, either…) but when I get into stressful situations, or have my heartbroken, or whatever the case may be I begin to see myself as I’m not – worthless and fat. I know I’m not worthless because I’m a Daughter of God, just as you are, and I know I’m not fat because I usually weigh around 110 pounds and people are always telling me how skinny I am. That doesn’t take the urge to eat less/nothing away. Lately I’ve been dealing with those urges for a few reasons that I’ll explain if you want me to. But this post isn’t about me, so I won’t yet. But this does have a point. What’s dumb is that, despite the fact that I weigh 110 pounds I have a “weight goal”… It’s 105 or even less. Now, the point of telling you this is that when I have these urges I think of my Heavenly Father. Sure, He’s sad and upset and He hurts with us. But at the same time He’s disappointed in us. When we harm ourselves He’s disappointed. It can be difficult to think about, or even want to think about, but it helps. I have a great father on this earth, so when I think of my Heavenly Father I think of my dad here on earth. So, when I picture Heavenly Father disappointed in me, I picture my earthly dad upset with me. Picture what/how/who you see as Heavenly Father and imagine them disappointed in you. Picturing them disappointed in me keeps me in check and helps me manage my weight issue. That doesn’t mean that it takes those urges away completely, but it helps manage them in the moment. It makes me eat a little more; it makes me want to work harder to be better. This isn’t something I normally tell people, but I figured you could relate it to your own problems. Other than asking for help medically, ask for father’s blessings. Ask for strength and comfort, or whatever you feel you need from Heavenly Father. Pay close attention to everything that is said in the blessing. Often times Heavenly Father will give you guidance, even if it’s small or hidden. In a blessing my dad gave me recently when I was in pain Heavenly Father had my dad said “The pain will go away quickly based upon your faith of this blessing,” or something like that. That was instruction given to me to have faith in the blessing I was receiving, in order for the pain to go away quicker. Take the instructions into account and apply them into your life. Go to your Bishop if you haven’t already. Talk to him. He is called of God, and will keep things to himself, and he can probably give you better/more guidance than me. Fast for help, pray for help throughout the day. Read your scriptures. Read your Patriarchal blessing often. Memorize scriptures that are close to your heart and think about them when you have the urge to hurt yourself. Sing hymns when you want to cut yourself, and surround yourself with spiritual stuff. One of the things that helped me through my sister’s suicide attempt a couple of months ago was listening to The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I got rid of all bad music on my MP3 player, and whenever I felt mad or down or upset I listened to them and read the New Era, or a book by an Apostle (To Draw Closer to God by Henry B. Eyring is great, and so is The Lord Looketh On The Heart) or the scriptures, or my Patriarchal blessing. Surround yourself in a spiritual aspect whenever you have the urge to harm yourself, if you can. Go where people can see you if it’s at all possible. Do everything you must to refrain from harming yourself. When you want to harm yourself that is Satan hard at work trying to get to you. Don’t give the satisfaction at succeeding. You’re worth so much more than that. I know it’s easier said than done, but it is possible. There’s no need to tell anyone in your new school about your problems. That may only make things worse, at least at first. Just keep it to yourself, but try to make friends, work to be better, and uplift yourself and others around you. I hope I’ve helped, at least somewhat! If you have any questions just let me know
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Post by Daughter Of God on Nov 6, 2010 19:53:26 GMT -5
Black DragonV, thank you for your thought Jayda, that post helped so much. It really did. I've always been an honest person, or so I thought. And really, that did put things into perspective with things. I'm not necessarily lying, but I'm not being completely honest. Thank you for sharing your personal things. It meant so much since it's nice to know I'm not the only one struggling with my self worth and things such as that. Your perspective on Heavenly Father being disappointed in me was something that was very powerful. I really have never thought of something that way before. Thank you, also, for taking the time to help me out It says a lot and helps me to know how much people really can care. After reading this and thinking it over, I'm going to talk to my therapist on Monday about this, and I'll also see if, on Monday or Tuesday, I can have my Hometeacher come over to give me a blessing. My parents are divorced, and because of some confusion or miscommunication, it's been a struggle with deciding if my dad can effectively give me a blessing. Thank you again
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Post by Jayda on Nov 6, 2010 20:57:07 GMT -5
I'm so glad that I was able to help you! I'm glad that you didn't take that the wrong way. I've told a few people that when they didn't realize what they were doing, and some of them took it badly. You're welcome. I normally don't share that. In fact, before I said it on here only two or three people knew about my problem with that stuff, so I'm glad that it helped you! You are never alone when you deal with issues with self-worth. It can be so hard to remember you worth sometimes, especially in a world where in order to be "great" or "wanted" you have to be the way the media defines, you know? That's probably one of my biggest problems. Yeah, it took me a while to figure that out, so I'm glad that I was able to help you see that You're welcome I'm always here if you need anything! I'm so glad that you're going to talk to your therapist and ask for a blessing You're strong! You can get through this. Heavenly Father wouldn't let you go through a trial if you couldn't handle it, I promise. You're welcome If you ever need anything, I'm here!
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Nov 6, 2010 21:45:40 GMT -5
That was an incredibly powerful and helpful message! Thank you Jayda! On the lighter side of MTW, we have a place where we can meet new people, share silly things and joke around a bit. I would also like for this site to be a place where those that are struggling with life's obstacles can come and find help! And when that happens, it is great to see our members step up to the plate and offer help straight from the heart! In recognition of Jayda's outstanding commitment to helping others, I have given her a token pat-on-the-back in the form of karma points and a new title! Jayda, I want to let you know that your reply to the girl with the self injury problem was awesome! I was blown away by your ability to relate to her and steer her in the right direction to receive the proper help that she needs! You truly have a gift with words and I'm very happy to see that you are using that gift to help others in need! In recognition of your efforts, I would like to add 25 karma points to your profile and add the title: "The Great Communicator, Writer and Advice Therapist!" Thanks for all that you do!
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Post by Evil Seeker on Nov 7, 2010 17:26:19 GMT -5
Happy to help and don't won't peoples fate go like mine.
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Post by Sayari's other half on Nov 8, 2010 8:34:08 GMT -5
Daughter of God, I am sorry for my late-ish reply to your problem.I have a close friend who struggles with self-injury as well. I want you to know that Heavenly Father loves you,more than you could ever know.He sees the pain that you are going through and guides you in ways you may never see or understand.He is proud of you for fighting your trial and He wants you to know that He is supporting you every step of the way.You should not feel ashamed because you are fighting this weakness.Heavenly Father gave you weaknesses,so that you could overcome them and prove that you are strong. Seeing a therapist will help you come to terms with your trial and slowly understand how you may overcome it.Poetry is obviously one of your talents and I say use it!Have you ever thought of replacing injuring yourself with something?Some people take their anger and emotion out by boxing,jogging,painting,drawing or poetry! I also feel that perhaps you and your parents could see a therapist together to discuss how the situation affects all of you,since it seems your parents play a big role.Talk to them about it and help them see that this is how they can help you! Once you have found out what your medical situation is (i.e whether you are bi-polar or not) you can treat any imbalances in your body that might play in role in making you so miserable! Asking for a blessing is a wonderful idea! You may also want to get rid of anything that depresses you such as certain music or literature.Read your scriptures and pray daily,you may even want to fast. And never lose hope.Remember who you are.You are a princess,your father is the King of Kings. =) If you ever need to talk,don't hesitate to send me a PM!Or Jenni,she's good at the advice stuff! =)
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Post by Jayda on Nov 8, 2010 12:39:43 GMT -5
That was an incredibly powerful and helpful message! Thank you Jayda! On the lighter side of MTW, we have a place where we can meet new people, share silly things and joke around a bit. I would also like for this site to be a place where those that are struggling with life's obstacles can come and find help! And when that happens, it is great to see our members step up to the plate and offer help straight from the heart! In recognition of Jayda's outstanding commitment to helping others, I have given her a token pat-on-the-back in the form of karma points and a new title! Jayda, I want to let you know that your reply to the girl with the self injury problem was awesome! I was blown away by your ability to relate to her and steer her in the right direction to receive the proper help that she needs! You truly have a gift with words and I'm very happy to see that you are using that gift to help others in need! In recognition of your efforts, I would like to add 25 karma points to your profile and add the title: "The Great Communicator, Writer and Advice Therapist!" Thanks for all that you do! Aw, you just made my day so much better Thank you so much! That really uplifted me I'm always here to help others! In the end, it helps me as well
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Nov 9, 2010 0:56:11 GMT -5
Daughter of God, I am sorry for my late-ish reply to your problem.I have a close friend who struggles with self-injury as well. I want you to know that Heavenly Father loves you,more than you could ever know.He sees the pain that you are going through and guides you in ways you may never see or understand.He is proud of you for fighting your trial and He wants you to know that He is supporting you every step of the way.You should not feel ashamed because you are fighting this weakness.Heavenly Father gave you weaknesses,so that you could overcome them and prove that you are strong. Seeing a therapist will help you come to terms with your trial and slowly understand how you may overcome it.Poetry is obviously one of your talents and I say use it!Have you ever thought of replacing injuring yourself with something?Some people take their anger and emotion out by boxing,jogging,painting,drawing or poetry! I also feel that perhaps you and your parents could see a therapist together to discuss how the situation affects all of you,since it seems your parents play a big role.Talk to them about it and help them see that this is how they can help you! Once you have found out what your medical situation is (i.e whether you are bi-polar or not) you can treat any imbalances in your body that might play in role in making you so miserable! Asking for a blessing is a wonderful idea! You may also want to get rid of anything that depresses you such as certain music or literature.Read your scriptures and pray daily,you may even want to fast. And never lose hope.Remember who you are.You are a princess,your father is the King of Kings. =) If you ever need to talk,don't hesitate to send me a PM!Or Jenni,she's good at the advice stuff! =) Thank you Erin! This is another excellent post! I hope that Daughter of God finds these suggestions to be helpful! We all want the best for you! Keep us posted on your progress. We are rooting for you and we want you to succeed!
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Post by Michael on Nov 10, 2010 16:15:15 GMT -5
I have a friend who has suffer from Self-Injury, she's a friend from efy and I didn't know about it there, but we talk on facebook a lot and we shared some things with each other. she used to cut herself, sometimes the urges come back, but she loves it when she can fight them away
Also, listen to this song EFY: I Am His Daughter
And I also write poetry.
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Post by emowriter on Aug 29, 2011 17:45:40 GMT -5
i face the same problems. so your definatly not alone. the best thing now is going to your bishop and keep going to church. i quit going and for three continuous years i had a problem with cutting, starving myself, and depression. im finally starting to see the light of my heavenly father again. just keep fighting because no matter what you never fight it alone. i found that writing the names of the people you love on your wrists or where ever you hurt yourself helps because you wouldnt want to cut them. or drawing a butterfly there. because it shows that your free and that its a beautiful thing. if you need anything else im right here ready to help you with what ever i can
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