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Post by Jayda on Sept 30, 2010 12:37:14 GMT -5
As I said in my new writing page, I'm trying to organize everything so this is where I'll vent/rant/seek advice for most of my drama-related stuff. I guess you guys will need some background to help me with the general drama-related issues I have.
In August 2009 (RIGHT after I turned sixteen - a week and a half maybe) I met this guy. We'll call him Levi. He's seventeen, has a testimony, saving for his mission, home schooled like I am, we had a lot of the same interests, etc. It seemed so perfect.
Among the perfection was an amazing thing that happened - he helped me move on from another guy that wasn't good for me. The other guy (we'll call him Jason) I'd liked for seven years. He was great until he went to his dad's house summer 2009 where he got into drinking, partying, smoking, and ended up having sex (the latter I've only heard from a friend I trust - I'm not positive it happened, but I wouldn't be surprised). Levi came along at the PERFECT time for me, to help me move on.
Anyway, two of my friends (we'll call them Kate and Nessa) both liked him. They'd met him at EFY (Nessa met him either one or two EFY's before Kate and Kate had met him summer 2009, like me) and they introduced me to him. I started to like him instantly.
So, I asked him to be my date to my sweet sixteen, that was all fun and dandy. I had a great time.
Then three days after my sweet sixteen I heard from Nessa's, Kate's, Levi's and my friend (Mandy) that Levi had said he liked Kate more. This was devastating to me, obviously, because it had seemed so perfect and I'd been so sure he liked me.
Well, a couple of weeks later I asked him about it and he said that he DID like me just as much as Kate and he didn't know if he could ever really choose. He cleared up a lot of things for me and made everything better.
The next Sunday he came over for General Conference. We had fun, flirted, that sort of thing. Then when I walked him out to his car he kissed me. Just a quick kiss (perfect) and then he left. I called him when he got home and asked what it had meant and he told me that he'd chosen.
Three weekends later I went to his house and trunk-or-treat for a date. We held hands multiple times and by the end he kissed me again. I'd kept everything between us a secret from Kate, Nessa, and Mandy because he wanted to try and soften the blow for the two that liked him and Mandy at this point couldn't be trusted with important things. So I asked him and he said I could tell them and that I could call him my boyfriend.
I told Mandy and Nessa at Stake Conference the next day. Mandy and Nessa reacted well - both happy for me. Nessa had started to move on. I asked them to MENTION it to Kate so that maybe she'd call me up so I could explain it to her. They told her things I didn't necessarily say and stuff she didn't need to know, so she got really mad and upset. Levi tried to help her and let her know what was happening and tried to tie up any "loose ends" that there may have been.
Two days later he then decided that he wasn't committed to me and that he wanted to date us both. This was very hurtful and difficult for me to take. I could see many problems arising with this proposed idea. Kate and I would begin to battle once more for his attention, that sort of thing.
I fasted and prayed for a month to get an answer and a month later, almost exactly, I got one. I broke it off with him after a month of being so emotionally in pain and so confused and hurt.
I didn't really start to get over him until I met Brian. Well, I met him at the Christmas Ball in 2009 but we started talking in February or March of 2010. Just little conversations here and there about our favorite show 24. Brian was going through the exact same thing I had been through with Levi, only with Kate being in the middle this time. So... I think it was February or March he came to me, asking how I'd gotten out of my little love triangle, so I told him and helped him through it.
On May 24th (yes, I remember the day... :]) we admitted that we liked each other. Whoo!
So, things started to get really good. He didn't want a relationship before his mission (it's his choice, so I understand, even if I'd feel "better" if we were in a relationship...) but I was okay with that. Our feelings kept getting stronger and stronger and things just kept getting better and better.
In August some crazy family stuff happened and school started for him and his parents got onto him about getting too attached to me and stuff so then he started to pull away... And things went downhill for me. He started wondering (because of a conversation him and his mom had...) if he still maybe sort of liked Kate. And ever since that it had taken its toll on me.
Anyway, I think that's the sum of my drama for now... It's usually surrounded by all of that.
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Post by Cassandra :) on Oct 4, 2010 5:21:29 GMT -5
wow thats alot to deal with...ouch
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Post by Andrew the Penguin on Oct 4, 2010 7:26:59 GMT -5
I like this Brian guy. ^_^ I approve of him. ...so far. >_> Anyways, it's good that the drama with Levi is mostly over. ^_^ From all of the Reality TV shows I've watched, i've noticed that a 'perfect' guy is never very right for someone. 0_o Honestly. Everyone needs a flaw or two. I think that Mandy and Nessa responded badly to your instructions, and that you probably did the right thing by not telling Kate directly. That might have gotten painful. It's good that you broke up with Jason. Nice job! Poor Jason. I think so far, Jason and Levi lost awesome opprotunities and that Brian lucked out. I mean honestly, dating YOU? XD That guy must be SO incredibly lucky, it's only kind of funny. Yes, Jayda, I think highly of you. Hmmm.... I'm having a flashback to one time in 4th grade. I played with shoe polish. My fingers were orange for like 2 weeks.
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Post by Jayda on Oct 4, 2010 15:48:31 GMT -5
ldsgal - yeah... Ever since I turned 16 my life has been drama central!!! Andrew - Haha... Well, so far... :/ I don't know... I'm just kind of giving up on all of this junk. I don't know how he feels anymore, and I'm sick and tired of all of this drama so I'm just going to try and pull back. If someone tries to start a fight or whatever I'm going to not let it bother me, or not let it show that it bothers me. Because I'm sick and tired of it all... -sigh- Awwwwww Again, Andrew, you made my day! Haha. Thank you so much!
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Post by Andrew the Penguin on Oct 4, 2010 16:39:08 GMT -5
You're welcome. ^_^ I seem to make your days alot. Who makes your afternoons? ^_^ I could. I have a lot of free time. Hmm... maybe it is a good idea to pull back from the dating world for a while. I believe that sometimes the best thing to do is to wait things out in safety. And really? 500,000 words? It's only October, girl! Slow down a bit!
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Post by Jayda on Oct 4, 2010 18:45:42 GMT -5
Haha, yes, you do! I guess you have a God-given gift! Hm... It varies Yeah. I'm going to stop dating teenaged boys, at least I'm going to try to stop liking them... It's pointless. They still have to go on missions, so why should I put myself through that? Now, when I start going to the Single's Ward in January... if real MEN want to date me, I won't be against it Haha. Hahaha... yeahhh... I know. That's what one or two people have told me Well, if I was aiming for 1,000,000 words I'd be way behind! I'm actually less than 50,000 words ahead right now, I think...
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Post by shadow on Oct 4, 2010 20:57:25 GMT -5
i really wish i could write like that lol
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Post by Jayda on Oct 4, 2010 21:35:55 GMT -5
Haha, thanks I'm sure you could if you really put your mind to it! It's not difficult At least, not for me...
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Post by shadow on Oct 5, 2010 16:24:19 GMT -5
and music isnt hard for me, yet others cant seem to get it lol
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Post by Michael on Oct 5, 2010 20:14:19 GMT -5
I can write poems very good, but I'm trying to start writing my book again... "Man Down" Only 12 still, I don't even have a plot (Sorry for going off subject) but yeh..
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Post by Jayda on Oct 5, 2010 22:13:02 GMT -5
I guess we all just have special gifts, huh?
Ugh. So, I don't know if I should care anymore, about this situation with Brian. I want to care. I mean, I love him to death. I honestly don't know if that's just in a friendly way. And I know that at one point he felt the same way about me. And he says that he still cares deeply for me. But I am so confused with what's going on. One minute he tells me he cares deeply for me, and that he feels bad for making me wonder if he's replacing me with Kate... But then the next minute he doesn't text me for over 24 hours, or longer, and when he does he seems aggravated or aggitated because of some hearsay he heard. So then when I try to help him, or give him advice he doesn't talk to me... I don't know.
Maybe he's just busy. Who knows. This whole thing is driving me nuts. It's like that song Hot N Cold by Katy Perry... He's hot then he's cold, he's yes then he's no, he's in then he's out, he's up and he's down, he's wrong when it's right, it's black and it's white, we fight, we "break up", we "kiss", we make up... But it doesn't seem like he really wants to stay, OR go... And I don't know what to do. I care so deeply for him, as much as he claims to care for me, if not more so. I honestly don't know how he feels at this point. I wish I did. I wish I knew exactly he how feels about me, and never question it, like during the summer. But he's changing, and my entire life is changing, and I'm trying not to care, I'm trying not to let it bother me, but how can I when everything I care about seems to be going down the drain? Or at least changing for the worst instead of for the better. I want to turn off my feelings. I don't want to care anymore. Because caring is only hurting me more and more than if I didn't.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I have so much faith. Over the past week I've felt my testimony really coming back and strengthening me. But now I'm being tried again, and I don't know what to do. I've been praying for a solution to this for so long, it seems, and nothing has come out of it except for Brian pushing himself further and further away. I would think (and hope) that if he really cared as deeply about me as he claims that he would be showing that, not backing away. Am I wrong?
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Post by Jayda on Oct 5, 2010 23:27:38 GMT -5
And this basically describes how I feel at this point.
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Post by Michael on Oct 6, 2010 2:03:29 GMT -5
All I can say is, answers to prayers never come fast to me (Only once) so I know a part of what your feeling, I wish I could help
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Post by Jayda on Oct 6, 2010 21:24:42 GMT -5
This is true.
And now there's even more drama. And the result of it is that i can't trust Brian anymore. This is just great. Ugh.
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Oct 6, 2010 22:15:00 GMT -5
This is true. And now there's even more drama. And the result of it is that i can't trust Brian anymore. This is just great. Ugh. Sorry to hear that! Maybe just keeping friendships casual right now is the best course to follow. That's my plan anyway!
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Post by Jayda on Oct 6, 2010 22:33:35 GMT -5
That's pretty much been Brian's plan from the start, until he seemed to get more serious with me, and then back out again. And at this point I expect nothing but friendship from him, if we can even keep that... I don't know, maybe I'm just being dramatic or overreacting or something. But I trusted him more than I've ever trusted any guy, and I thought that out of all of my friends in Georgia that he was the ONE person I could trust, but he's proven that wrong I guess. And I don't trust guys, ever... And now he's lost trust...
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Post by Michael on Oct 6, 2010 23:30:31 GMT -5
I have a trust issue cuz from the many years... of hurt and everything-- I can't really trust people that well (Who are around my age) like Rachael (Many of you know her, I post some stuff about her) I still have a hard time trusting, even tho we talked about it and she said she would be so hurt if we ever stopped talking.
So I know what you mean by trust.. I do.... I wish I could do ANYTHING to help, I hate seeing my friends feeling bad about anything.
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Post by Jayda on Oct 8, 2010 18:23:19 GMT -5
Yeah, I hate this too :/ I haven't talked to him since this happened... He hasn't texted me since Wednesday... Hopefully he doesn't expect me to text him first. I hate not doing that, but I need to know that he still cares, you know?
But despite that, I bought David Archuleta's new CD. I'm so excited! I love it so much!
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Post by Jayda on Oct 9, 2010 0:18:27 GMT -5
I confronted him about it tonight when he texted me... I don't know if things are going to turn out alright with this. I have no idea. He admitted to telling Kate everything that I said, which only means that I relaly can't trust him at this point because that was a private conversation to begin with. I told him that he had no right to tell her what I said. No response... He probably fell asleep and didn't know what to say.
My theme song is Falling Stars by David Archuleta.
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Post by Michael on Oct 9, 2010 0:36:34 GMT -5
I'm sorry Jayda, I didn't know Daivd got a new cd... what is it called??
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Post by Jayda on Oct 9, 2010 11:04:24 GMT -5
It's called The Other Side of Down.
Brian is mad at me. I don't even know what to do at this point.
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Post by Jayda on Oct 10, 2010 1:33:57 GMT -5
It's been over 12 hours since we last talked... I don't even know how I was supposed to respond to his last message. I hate this. I have no idea what to do, or when the next time we're going to talk will be. I don't even know if we'll ever talk again. I don't know how I'll be able to handle stake events, and I probably won't have a date to prom at this point, if I'm still living in Georgia that is. Things have gotten so bad that my mom is seriously considering getting me into BYU-I asap, just so I can get away from all of this. I don't know what to do
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Post by shadow on Oct 10, 2010 8:17:09 GMT -5
well Im also planning on going to BYU-I as well next year. And you can trust us Jayda *hugs* cheer up
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Post by Jayda on Oct 11, 2010 21:50:50 GMT -5
Thanks I hope things get better soon. I just really hope that.
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Post by Jayda on Oct 14, 2010 0:32:19 GMT -5
Okay. I thought things might be getting better. I had a decent day today. But by the end of the day, when I'm all alone (as it seems I always end up feeling this way when I'm alone) I feel the bad emotions, stress and such overwhelming me again. And I miss him so much I can't even explain it. It hurts so much that things are like this. I haven't talked to him since Sunday. This is a record for how long we haven't talked to each other since we first started talking. This is ridiculous. I miss him SO stinking much but I can't approach him because things aren't resolved, and I don't know how to act or what to say or what to think... I don't know if he'd appreciate me talking to him when he still seems so angry/upset with me. It hurts so much that he's disappearing just like everything else good in my life, it seems. I don't know. I don't know what to do. I'm praying, I'm reading my scriptures, I'm listening to good music, I'm reading good stuff, I'm trying to be a good example, I was just called as Laurel's president, I'm going to Institute and FHE at the Young Single Adult Branch and I'm trying to be forgiving. I'm working so hard... I don't know if they are... But I am. I sent a message to Kate apologizing for anything, whatever I've done to hurt her, even though I don't know what I've done. I've been trying so hard. But it's like nothing is helping, in the end. I know that the blessings will come eventually. But what's my point in suffering? Gosh, I need to take my own advice, don't I? Things are just so difficult right now. I'm dealing with all of this family stuff, plus the stress of trying to be a good example to all of the young women despite my own trials of faith, while trying to be there for everyone because everyone keeps coming to me with problems and for advice and with secrets (everyone in real life) and I'm glad that they trust me and think I'm a good advice giver... But keeping secrets kind of adds to the stress, you know? Then on top of that I'm applying to colleges, trying to figure out when I'm going to move to Idaho or Utah to live with my cousin, trying to figure out who believes what about me, trying to figure out who to trust and what to think and who to believe, while trying to keep my testimony strong and my faith strong, while trying to do everything that I'm supposed to be doing, all while dealing with all of this ridiculous drama. What am I doing wrong? Why am I going through this when things are already so difficult and I'm doing everything as right as I possibly can? I mean, yeah... I do have things to improve on. I could probably say more earnest prayers, or study my scriptures for longer or more diligently. But I'm trying. I've been trying for three months now. And things just keep getting worse. Why? This is physically affecting me, too. Every single night I break down crying, no matter if I had a good day or not. I end up crying myself to sleep, feeling alone and lost and confused and hurt. I've lost about 4 pounds in two weeks because I've had absolutely no appetite since he and I have started having problems. I can't sleep at night. I'm rarely tired before 3:00 in the morning, but even if I'm tired before that I don't get to sleep before then. I'm always exhausted, and my back is tense because of the stress. I don't know what to do to fix all of this. I don't feel like he and Kate think that this is really affecting me as badly as it is. But I don't want to tell them, because I don't want them to think I'm just saying stuff to make them feel bad, or for attention or sympathy points or something. I'd feel so self-centered if I told them what this is doing to me. But I don't know what to do about it all. Brian was the person I thought that would understand me the most. He and I were so similar. He's been through so much of what I'm going through. He went through all of the same drama I went through last year. I thought he'd realize that maybe some of the stress of my other problems in my life would add fuel to the fire when it comes to his and my situation and where Kate fits in. Or I'd thought he'd keep all of that confidential, or talk to me about it instead... I don't even know what I expected. I just miss him so much I can't handle this. It hurts so much to know that even if I wanted to, I couldn't text him with a problem just to vent, because he's so busy and his opinion of me seems so poor as it is. I mean, what else am I supposed to do? I can't carry all of the slack. I need help. And I can't even tell if they're trying. I figured he'd be the last person I'd lose. We were so close. I trusted him more than I've trusted anyone besides my parents. And that trust was in vain. And that kills me, because if I couldn't trust him, if my judgment wasn't good enough to realize that I couldn't trust him then how will I ever trust a guy again? My trust issues were already bad to begin with, but now, after what's happened over the past year my trust issues have only become worse. He's changed. I hate that. WE'VE changed. Our whole relationship has gone from amazing to almost nonexistent at this point. I miss him. So much. And there's almost nothing I can do about it. What else is there for me to do? Should I reach out to him? What am I supposed to say? I don't even know. He's too busy to talk this out with me. So how are things supposed even maybe get better until we talk about all of this? Why do I have to go through this? Sorry about all of that... I guess it was mostly venting, but if any of you have advice or words of encouragement or something I wouldn't mind.
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Post by hockeydude on Oct 14, 2010 19:06:55 GMT -5
Hey. Sorry I haven't been around, college has been nuts. Anyway.
I know how a situation like this can be stressful. I had a thing for a girl here named Amber and she had a thing for me too, but she also had a thing for one of my best friends here, Cameron. And so every moment the three of us were around it was like a battle between Cameron and I, and if I screwed up I'd be ticked when we went our seperate ways and it'd bother me til the next time we met up. But I noticed that and decided it wasn't worth, so I folded my hand and just decided I'd be really good friends with her. And things have been better and I've been more chill ever since, I just accepted it I guess.
Now it sounds like you two were a lot closer and we also have different perspectives on things. So I'm not saying you need to do what I did. But if it means anything, I feel a lot better making the decision I did and letting Cameron win her over (which surprisingly hasn't happened yet?) than being stressed about winning her affection.
Here's what I recommend whichever direction you decide to go. Make things right at the friends level. Give him a call and if he's busy ask when a better time is. It's really important you make the call. And just bite your lip (I know from experience how badly you're going to want to say some things), and figure what's wrong and how you can fix it, even if it's not your fault (hench the biting your lip). Just say you want to be on good terms again and that's all. You're not going to move any further until you get there.
And keep having faith that all you're doing will pay off. You're not always blessed in the way that you want at the time. Maybe the Lord has a different idea than Brian and it's something you just can't see right now. But you will and hopefully are being blessed now for all you're doing. Keep it up, okay? It's really good to hear how hard you're working.
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Post by shadow on Oct 14, 2010 19:47:07 GMT -5
On a different note than his... Ive had a similar experence as that, and i just had to let her go. theres nothing between us now and with how shes turned out its best that way. Idk what hes like and i also dont know what there was/is between you but sometimes the best thing you can do is just to let go. As for the spiritual issues all you can do is keep trying to improve yourself. and to keep doing whats right regardless of the initial results of it. From what you wrote your doing just that so dont quit. Its better than the alternative... and you can trust us guys on this site
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Post by Jayda on Oct 14, 2010 23:08:25 GMT -5
Eric - Oh I totally get being busy. I'm usually busy during the day, and then at night I have enough time to think about everything and stuff like my last post on here comes out.
Yeah... Brian and I were really close... Which is another thing that hurts about this situation. I just thought he knew me better than he's making it seem... I've been pulling back, and gotten to the point where if he likes Kate I just want to know... I'm trying to move on because even if he doesn't like just Kate there's almost no point in me liking him right now when all it's doing is hurting me. And he still has a mission to go on and everything, so I don't know what to think. It's so hard. I still flippin' love him. I don't even know if that's just as a friend. A part of me wonders if I actually fell in love with him over the summer. But I don't take the term "fell in love" lightly, so with everything that's happening now I don't know if that's an accurate term. But I do love him. And I'm pretty positive that it's as more than a friend.
Oh gosh... It's going to be so hard calling him. But I'll try. He knows that if we're going to talk about this that it has to be over the phone. But since he's so busy I don't want to bug him and make him end up even more annoyed with me, you know? I'll try...
Yeah, I'm trying. It can get really hard sometimes. But I'm trying.
Shadow - Yeah... I've been thinking about that a lot lately, actually. I don't want to have to let him go like that. I really don't. Just the thought is making me cry. But if it comes down to it and I have to then I will. I just hope it doesn't come to that.
Yeah, it is better than the alternative. That's what I keep reminding myself - that doing something is going to get me blessings and closer to happiness then sitting and doing nothing. Haha, yeah, I trust you guys. That's why I come to you guys for help.
Thanks guys. I'll keep trying. Hopefully it won't be much longer now until I get all of this sorted out. If it takes much longer... I don't know what I'll do.
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Post by Jayda on Oct 14, 2010 23:10:02 GMT -5
Oh, and I have to deal with all of these people at stake conference on Sunday. Isn't that just great? -sigh-
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Post by ldsgirl Aka Sayari on Oct 14, 2010 23:49:16 GMT -5
Life can be very difficult at times, but these trials that you are facing right now will make you a stronger person for the future. Just keep doing your best and pray to our Heavenly Father for strength, comfort and patience until he answers your prayers!
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