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Post by Jayda on Jan 4, 2011 22:01:34 GMT -5
So, I'm not normally the one to ask for advice on here, but I need some right now... I'll just copy and past what I posted on a thread on goodreads.
So, you know how I let go of Brian? Well, it was way cool. A few days after I did that I met this guy. We'll call him Mark. So, he's WAY cute and funny and nice and such, but he's not the kind of guy I usually go for. He's kind of a "bad boy", you know? And I'm usually into the sweet, shy boys. Don't get me wrong, it's way cool that we flirt and stuff and it's very flattering. Buuuut, just the thought of maybe starting to like him makes me nervous. Because he's a bad boy. And I'm not used to that. And he isn't a member of the church, and since I've really started falling for guys and dating them I haven't been involved with a nonmember. But by "bad boy" I mean he's kind of a rebel in a sense. He has that B.A. vibe about him but he's so funny and sweet at the same time, you know? Almost like he could kick anyone's butt, but he's way nice. It's odd
Along with that... He told my friend Mandy a week before he met me that he likes her. But now he's flirting with me, and talking to me all the time. And considering I've ended up liking guys that Kate either did like, or ended up liking after I started liking them, I don't want to come off as the "boy stealer" since I'm not that. But here's the thing: Mandy likes another guy, too. So, I have no idea. I can see myself falling for this guy (there was literally like this instant connection when we met) but it literally scares me. I get knots in my stomach thinking about it, because since I started dating and really liking guys I've never liked someone like him. I don't know. Maybe it'll be nothing. But maybe it will turn into something. I just don't want Mandy to run off and assume that I'm starting to like him, though, and I can DEFINITELY see her doing that if I talk to her, and then everyone knowing. But Nessa today told me that the other day Mandy said he was getting a little annoying to her and whatever, but I'm not very sure. I'll ask her eventually if she likes him or not.
OH. And along with all of the above, Mark keeps calling me sweetheart, gorgeous, babe, beautiful, etcetera. You know, like nicknames, like when a guy calls his girl that? Yeah. I don't know... I can't even figure out if he's just a huge flirt or what!
The good thing about all of this is that Brian is actually getting kind of easy to forget, at this point. I know that probably won't last forever (since I see him probably once a month because of church stuff) but right now I really could care less. Mark is making that easier, for me. It was funny... I fasted and prayed for something to help me through this and BAM. There was Mark. So I'm not sure if that means it'll turn into something, or if he'll be my rebound crush, if even that.
Anyway, what do you guys think? I can't figure it out. He calls me babe a lot, and even though I get nervous thinking about dating or liking a nonmember I really kind of love when he talks to me like that. Maybe it's just because I've been missing having a guy act like he likes me? I have no idea. Any advice on what I should do or on why he's acting this way with me?
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Post by Remove on Jan 4, 2011 22:15:09 GMT -5
He calls me babe a lot, I really kind of love when he talks to me like that. I totally know exactly what your talking about. Love when guys call me those names even when we're just good friends. I wouldn't worry about dating a non member..sometimes non members are better to date then members! You'd be surprised.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 4, 2011 22:23:22 GMT -5
I know, I really, really love it. I don't know why. Especially the babe nickname. No guy has ever called me that, especially in such a straightforward way as him.
True, true. My mom thinks it might be a good thing for me to date a nonmember to get out of this rut from dating members. I hope she's right, if I actually start dating him!
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Post by Remove on Jan 4, 2011 23:24:22 GMT -5
lol, believe me I know how much you love it. And, its not something to be embarrassed about.
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Post by hockeydude on Jan 5, 2011 2:14:48 GMT -5
Yeah, don't rule him out because he's a nonmember. My sister is dating a nonmember from high school and I had gone out with a nonmember from there and both worked out fine. They didn't even know the standards and kept them better than half the people in my ward. And what do you mean by he's rebellious/BA? Like if you can smell drugs/alcohol off of him (it's a talent I picked up and how to decipher druggies at my HS) or he can't form a complete sentence without cussing and has a passion for Monster/Red Bull, than yeah, maybe you should avoid him. But otherwise, I don't see any reason you should hold yourself back. I get called BA all the time and I'm a stickler to the standards. I think it's mainly because of the way I talk (I'm waaay sarcastic in real life lol), sports probably, I can smack talk without cussing if I need to, and I do screw around with rules I feel won't affect my eternal salvation. But I'm temple worthy and about to go on a mission. So if that's like what this guy has going on, just keep your head up and you'll be fine. My two cents: Don't count your eggs before they've hatched. (...crap, is that how that goes?) If I were you, I'd figure out all the details before letting your emotions drift towards Mark, whether you get those from him or maybe like his friend. If he sees you and only you (which, if he's saying babe and sweetheart, there's a decent chance), then here's a winky face in advance for what sounds like a new couple. But if there's something behind the scenes, you could save yourself a whole lot of drama just staying away from it in the first place, at least until everything clears up. Hopefully things work out, maybe your mom's right.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 5, 2011 17:32:09 GMT -5
Well, by rebellious/BA I mean that he's had sex, and a LOT of girlfriends, and he smokes when he's stressed and sometimes he'll drink. I don't know. In general he's just not normally the kind of guy I go for, you know? But he already knows some of my standards when it comes to that stuff so he knows, but I'm not sure still.
He and I talked on the phone last night and we were on until 6:30AM when he had to get ready for school... It was really, really nice, but looking back on it I'm so scared of going so quickly, you know? So I'll talk to him tonight to make sure we are going slow. We decided to try and wait a month until we figure out if we're going to be in a relationship, but suddenly this just feels so overwhelming and I have so many issues that I'll be surprised if any guy is willing to deal with me. It's going to take a long while for me to be okay with this stuff, I think, because of everything I've been through in my life. And if it's supposed to work out, even if only for a time, he'll understand.
Hopefully this works out. Like I said, I'm a little scared, but who knows what'll happen?
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Post by hockeydude on Jan 5, 2011 18:49:20 GMT -5
Hm, I don't like it so much anymore. Don't rule it out because I said that, though. I think you really have the potential to change him if this ends up working out and that might be better than dating a member in the first place. Just know though that you're going to need to be upfront and assertive, and not too attached too quickly if he's been through a lot of girls.
Hm, yeah. I think you've got the right idea. Take it slow and see what plays out for now.
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Post by Michael on Jan 5, 2011 19:55:25 GMT -5
ha... the part of the Monster/Red Bull thing.... yeah, just dropping in here, my brother drinks that stuff all the time.... I hate it, I bet I'll go on a mission before he does and his 18 now, 19 in March.
His a "Bad boy" Mormon like, he drinks that stuff, wear all black, got long hair, he got a girlfriend too and they kiss a lot, she's from our ward, and she likes the "bad mormon boys"
Jayda, I hope everything works out for you
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Post by Remove on Jan 5, 2011 20:31:16 GMT -5
Just because someone smokes, drinks, has sex and has had a lot of girl friends doesn't make them a bad person. From a Non-LDS perspective a Mormon guy is often seen as a 'man rude person' because Mormon guys are told (especially in utah) to date multiple people. By others thats seen as something bad. That doesn't mean he's had sex with each of them.
I have a friend who's had sex, she sometimes breaks into her parents alcohol when she's at her house. I'm not talking drinking loads or drinking with others. I'm talking like..she drinks alcohol like we might sneak into the ice cream. For non members its not seen as a big deal. She's not driving around. She's had what I would consider 'a lot' of boyfriends. Shes always dating someone...and yet this girl is one of my closest friends. She's amazing, talented, so sweet. She gets straight A's and she always sticks up for me and my standards.
I live an area that has few LDS (I'm talking 5 yw in my whole ward...and thats spread across multiple school distrincts and towns.) however everyone knows about LDS members because I leave near some church sites. And, its highly trafficked by LDS in the summer. So, one day in the library a girl (my friends friend. Now my friend although I didn't know her at them time.) started complaining about Mormons. "Oh those Mormons are starting to come through. I hate how they blah blah blah.." And right then my friend who wasn't even sitting at this girls table turned her head and said "Oh yea? My best friends Mormon. And shes freaking amazing. If you have any questions about Mormons you should ask her before spreading things around."
A lot of my friends have had alcohol at family things. A have a few sorta friends who smoke. Everyone has problems and non members often don't view these things as problems. It's not a big deal to them. I wouldn't worry about these things. Talk to him about how you don't believe in having sex until marriage. And, I don't think you can change anyone but yourself. You can make people think or want to change but not actually change.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 6, 2011 13:37:59 GMT -5
Thanks Michael Oh no, Lizzy, I'm not judging him or saying he's a bad person. He's a bad boy to me, mostly in comparison to the guys I've dated previously. It "scares" me because this is so different from all of my previous "relationships" and I don't want to date right now. But I guess that's just how God works, right? As soon as you stop looking someone comes along. I don't think he's a bad person at all. He's nice and funny and sweet. He just makes decisions that would normally turn me off from a guy. Considering the fact he isn't Mormon I suppose changed the fact that I don't run away just yet. But considering HOW many girlfriends he's had (he says he'd had around 158) I'm worried he's just a player trying to get another number down. Who knows? I certainly don't. But he's definitely sweet, and he knows just what to say to make me smile. But that's another thing that worries me, and that's probably because of all of the crap that guys have put me through over the years. I have talked to him about not having sex before marriage and he says he respects that. I'm just worried that if I get into that sort of situation (which would be easy with him considering he doesn't really have any boundaries at all) we won't stop. It's a matter of strength for me, and with my emotional state right now, and the fact that I'm much more prone to sexual addiction (mostly because of my genes) I'd be worried I'd screw up, even if not all the way. I don't know. I'm probably worrying for nothing, because he knows. And if we do get into a relationship I'll set limits and boundaries. I'm just freaking out over nothing, I think. With everything that's happened to me in my life because of boys I get a lot more scared and freaked out then I think I really ever should. I did the same thing with a guy named Matthew when I was 15. He was really open about how he felt about me and not slow at all to tell me these things and that scared me. I have NO idea why that happens. Does that happen to any of you guys?
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Post by Jayda on Jan 6, 2011 13:49:00 GMT -5
And Eric, I know what you mean. I'm not sure I like the idea of this much, either. Yesterday he called me during his lunch break because he missed the sound of my voice, which is way sweet, but seems way fast for that happen too, you know? I don't know. I'm so bipolar about relationships, and I need him to understand that. I didn't get to talk to him about it last night because I fell asleep early since I was sick, so I'll try to bring it up gently to him. He has a lot of trust issues too because of his last relationship, but I don't think they're as bad as mine since he's so open about how he feels. I'm not really open much for a while in relationships, and I don't want him to take that the wrong way. It takes me a long time to open up to someone, and strangely enough it's much easier for me to open up to someone if they're shy with their feelings, like Brian was.
Hopefully I'll be able to help him out. He's thinking about going back to Brazil for college, but he said that if things keep going this way it'll be up to me on whether or not he goes, because the only way he'd stay is if he had someone to stay for... But eventually I'll be going to BYU-I, and my Patriarchal Blessing says I'll marry a member who has kept his covenants well, or something like that... Which means that he'll either have to be baptized and stay an active member, or this won't work out in the end. And I know it's probably stupid for me to be thinking this far ahead into the future, but that happens for me. My mom's gotten me into the habit of thinking "You marry who you date, so be careful who you date" and I'm not going to marry a nonmember. That just won't happen for me. I've been striving so hard for a Temple marriage, especially within the last year, that I'm not going to just give in and not have what I want and deserve. But I also realize that it's NUTS for me to be thinking that far into the future when there's so much that could happen between now and then, you know?
He and I have a lot in common... But the main thing we don't have in common is how we define "slow". He thinks this is slow. I think this is fast. So I'll try to talk to him tonight and ask if we can take this at my own pace, which is maybe a phone call a night for a couple of hours, texting throughout the day (maybe throwing in that my parents are getting kind of strict on texting, since they're thinking about that now) and just going slow. This is stressing me out, which is ridiculous. I got sick yesterday because of all of this, and I haven't been able to sleep well or stop stressing out about it since then. I don't know. I wish I could just let go and let loose for once and just have FUN, like a teenager is supposed to do! But it's as if that's impossible for me. And that may be one reason why I hate dating... I don't know.
Sorry, I guess I needed to vent. Does this happen for any of you? Because this seems ridiculous to me, even if I can't stop it...
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Post by Remove on Jan 6, 2011 14:59:55 GMT -5
I think its great your trying to slow things down. You need to tell him your future plans for college. If he is legit about this "i'll ruin my futore and stay here so I can perhaps marry you" thing you need to tell him he needs to start taking missionary lessons or its over. Don't give him false hope or a false future. it's not fair to him.
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Post by Michael on Jan 6, 2011 19:21:44 GMT -5
ha, I don't think of myself of a normal teenager, just cuz I don't do that much with people my age, not invited to like anything so, the whole year when I was 16, I didn't even went on one date, cuz.. who would want to go with me?.. now being 17 I only been on two... and will probly stay like that for a long time.. it sucks
I wish the best for you, in everything going on in ur life
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Post by Remove on Jan 6, 2011 21:17:59 GMT -5
Michael, I wouldn't worry about it I've been 16 for 6 months and haven't been on a date yet. Theres so few LDS guys around here, and my non LDS guy friends know my standards and about marrying a member so why would I date them?
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Post by Jayda on Jan 7, 2011 11:47:52 GMT -5
Don't worry about that Michael. I'm almost 18 (dating for nearly 2 years now) and I've only had 5 or so dates. It's normal, I think.
SO, I talked to him last night and he understood. In fact, the conversation was much lighter than I expected and we went back to normal right after that. Our relationship is so bizarre to me... We're just trying to be friends right now that kind of like each other (actually I think he REALLY likes me at this point...) but we talk about marriage and kids and all of that stuff and it's strangely comfortable for me. I told him about me going to Idaho at the end of the year most likely, and about how I'm going to marry a Mormon and he gets it, even though he doesn't necessarily like it. Haha. But we'll see where this goes! I think I could really get him into Mormonism if he just opened his eyes a little more to organized religion. He believed in God and Jesus but he isn't fond of churches and stuff, and I know it's because he prefers the natural man/the "easy way out" over working hard. He basically admitted that to me last night. But I think that over time, if things will work out and if I am really supposed to marry him, then he'll end up Mormon. My patriarchal blessing says I'll marry a Mormon, so if I'm supposed to marry him my thinking is that he'll become one, you know? But I told him that I wouldn't let him join just for me, because I've seen so many cases like that where a guy or girl joins for someone but then they break up and that guy or girl falls away from the church.
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Post by shadow on Jan 8, 2011 10:36:12 GMT -5
personally, i wouldnt date him. If he does all that, even if he respects things now, he wont in the future, and eventually he'll keep trying to pressue you to do things you dont want to.
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Post by Remove on Jan 8, 2011 13:08:12 GMT -5
personally, i wouldnt date him. If he does all that, even if he respects things now, he wont in the future, and eventually he'll keep trying to pressue you to do things you dont want to. That is NOT true! JT, I never realized your such a cynic. There's always that possibility but there is with everyone. Heck some Peter Priesthood could try to pressure her. I honestly can't believe you said that
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Post by Jayda on Jan 8, 2011 15:59:32 GMT -5
I see what he's saying though. And considering I have no idea what kind of a guy Mark really is, I think JT might possibly be right, although I'm not sure, and I'll be the first to admit that I could be wrong. But I honestly would rather be safe than sorry. I'm just going to go slowly and just see. I'm going to talk to Mandy tonight about his reputation because I am worried that he's a player.
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Post by Remove on Jan 8, 2011 16:10:11 GMT -5
I see what he's saying though. And considering I have no idea what kind of a guy Mark really is, I think JT might possibly be right, although I'm not sure, and I'll be the first to admit that I could be wrong. But I honestly would rather be safe than sorry. I'm just going to go slowly and just see. I'm going to talk to Mandy tonight about his reputation because I am worried that he's a player. Don't you go to school with him? Wouldn't you know if he was a player? And theres always a chance thinks could turn out bad. Sometimes risks need to be taken.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 8, 2011 16:14:24 GMT -5
No, I don't go to public school. I met him at Mandy's Holiday party last week, so I have nooooo idea about his reputation. She knows him better than I do. And yeah, I see what you mean. But I don't even want to date right now, especially since I'll be off to college within the next year. I feel like liking someone complicates things :/ And it's only gotten me a lot of grief and pain in the past. So I don't even know if this is a risk I want to take.
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Post by shadow on Jan 8, 2011 16:28:50 GMT -5
personally, i wouldnt date him. If he does all that, even if he respects things now, he wont in the future, and eventually he'll keep trying to pressure you to do things you dont want to. That is NOT true! JT, I never realized your such a cynic. There's always that possibility but there is with everyone. Heck some Peter Priesthood could try to pressure her. I honestly can't believe you said that Is there any reason for him not to? If he doesnt understand why we live our standards and he doesnt care for our standards himself then he's bound to get tired of "holding back", especially if hes done stuff before. Thats not saying you shouldnt be friends, if your friends and you do change him thats great. But if you date him and he changes because of that whatll happen if you all break up? Being a missionary by dating never works because of the hurt feelings that are left after a break up, Most likely he'll connect those hurt feelings with the church and then he'll begin to grow bitter against it as well.
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Post by hockeydude on Jan 8, 2011 18:14:22 GMT -5
I think you've got the right idea, keep things slow. Figure out everything about this dude before you even use the word relationship. It almost sounds like you feel obligated to be in one and that's not the way it should be. You very well could find out something that makes it totally work, or you could find out something else...
At BYU I knew I was going on my mission so I was strictly friends with a bunch of cute girls I could have easily been in a relationship with, and honestly I loved it that way! The only stress I had was from school, and honestly I got to know way more girls a lot better than if I had been trying to move in on any of them. And it doesn't sound like you're too late in the game to just be flirty friends with this guy.
Also, just because I saw you mentioning marriage, I wouldn't even think about it until you at least get to college. At least for me, about 95% of the people I knew in HS seemed to fall off the face of the earth. You'll keep in touch with your best friends and maybe a little more. You'll be exposed to hundreds and hundreds of LDS people your age within walking distance, and honestly they will make up your new world. It's a fresh start really, and everything that seemed important back home becomes less significant than the weather. That's how it was for me in Provo anyway. So on second thought, if this is causing you stress, I would just say the heck with it. You've got a gold mine of options not too far ahead.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 8, 2011 23:46:19 GMT -5
I actually talked to Mandy tonight and she says that she doesn't think he's a player, especially since he hates drama. And he's been telling people about me, so I don't know. I do kind of feel obligated to be in a relationship, but he said that he doesn't care how slow I go, so that takes some pressure off of me. For the past couple of days I've actually felt pretty good about all of this because I now have control, rather than him. In fact, I think I may even be starting to like him... But you definitely have a point about college. I just always think about that sort of thing when I date someone or like someone. That "what if" question runs through my head a lot, and I don't know why. But when I hit college things will probably change a lot for me, and who knows who I'll meet? Thanks guys, for all of the input Shadow, I most definitely see your point there. If he starts pressuring me he's gone. End of story. I can't deal with pressure. I hate it. I think he knows that, so hopefully we're fine for now.
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Post by shadow on Jan 9, 2011 14:36:56 GMT -5
Just remember that its sometimes better to avoid pressure rather than to see if it happens...
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Post by Jayda on Jan 10, 2011 12:16:10 GMT -5
Yep, this is true. I suppose we'll just see where this goes. If I start getting uncomfortable I'll cut it off.
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Post by Evil Seeker on Jan 20, 2011 10:05:29 GMT -5
pls list to JT and pls don't go in the Darkness one way in but there is no way out but there is and i can't find the way out or i don't want to get out i don't know but pls list to JT.
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Post by Jayda on Jan 21, 2011 12:29:34 GMT -5
My reservations about all of this are quickly falling. It's only been a little over three weeks since we met, but it seems like we've known each other for so much longer. I've told him things that I haven't told anyone else, and somehow he's gaining my trust more and more each day. I don't know how or why this is happening, but I really think I'm starting to fall for him. It's hard for me to admit, considering it's still hard for me to say that I like him because every time I've liked someone it's only gotten me hurt. But... I don't know. It feels like this is way different than anything I've ever had in my life. I loved Brian to death, but this feels so much different (and maybe even better?) than my relationship with Brian felt. Mark and I aren't in a relationship yet, and today we're writing down pros and cons of doing so to see if it'll be worth it since I'll be leaving for college at some point, and I know that I'm going to get married to a member in the Temple. But really, he is freaking PERFECT for me. The only problem is that he isn't a member! I'm serious! If he was a member I would honestly not be surprised if we ended up married, that's how perfect this is. We have so much in common, it's a little ridiculous. Sometimes it's scary, cause we have soooo much in common. I'm still trying to take this slow. But I don't feel nearly as scared/nervous as I did before, and there's a part of me that just wants to give up fighting and be with him. But there's another part of me that won't let me give up yet, considering how long it really has been compared to how long it feels it's been since we met. But I really adore this boy. We both agree that we would rather be best friends and have a lasting relationship like that than end up in a real relationship and hurting one another and not speaking. We'd rather just be friends than lose each other. I'm still really quiet and shy about my feelings (partially cause I still don't know exactly what they are) but... I have no idea where this is going. All I can say is that I'm happier than I've been in July of last year
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